Complicated Me

TGIF (1)

2010-01-15T10:11:00.003+08:00

It's TGIF 1 cause there are many more TGIFs to go. Honestly, I should be doing my article on Dyslexia. I have got all the information I need but no inspiration. No inspiration = lousy article. It's TRUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. (insert the kumar accent here, i still can't get over it. lol!) Like the other time when I had to do an article on brown skin, I had all the inspiration that I needed. Besides, what could serve as a better inspiration other than myself? So in the end, the article was good and well received. I got a reader who wrote in praising my article and that letter will be published in the coming issue of LiveWell magazine! Please be proud of yours truly, okay?

I'm digressing. The point is, I have got no inspiration as yet and I need to do something that interests me first so that it would spark off some inspiration for me to start with. OMG, I just realised that I mentioned the word 'inspiration' like 4-5 times? Haha. Anyway, to gain my inspiration (yet again), I'm going to revamp my blog, so that the sense of satisfaction would in return give me some inspiration (and again).

Now, I wish to digress. I'm feeling so stressed. I want a job immediately after my attachment ends. Okay not exactly, immediately. But maybe say around April or middle of March even? I have started sending in my job applications now itself but I think employers get turned off with the fact that I need 2 months notice before I start work? Honestly, if I was the employer, I would be turned off as well. Sighhhh. And, I don't know if I would be getting a good work testimonial. Everything is good at my company but I did mention hiccups as well, didn't I? So, for that I'm afraid. Since, I'm in a Life Sci course and would like to switch to a business-related job, a good work testimonial would do me good. So, I'm going to pray with my fingers crossed, that all will go well!

Other than that, I'm off to revamp. Hopefully it would be done sucessfully. Otherwise, atleast you know you can associate me with the lack of self-discipline.

A fresh year, a fresh start

2010-01-14T00:17:00.004+08:00

My blog title pretty much summarises my entire blog entry. Hello, 2010. And, hello ASHOK! :)
Okay so, I'm committed to someone right now. Its been about year now and I'm finally able to put the past behind me and accept the future challenges ahead. Along with someone who is willing to lend me his shoulder, arm, leg, toes, whatever. The point is, I'm gona face 2010 and the following years ahead with someone who is willing participate in my tears and joy.

To Ashok Kummar:

I have been a bitch. I know it. So don't deny. I will still be a bitch. I can't help it. I may have gotten over the past but I'm still not done convincing myself that NOT all guys are FUCKING bastards. But I know that with your determination and love, I will be able to. From someone who had nothing to say except for vulgarities and hurtful words with a pinch of sarcasm, you have made me utter those beautiful three words. I know that I hurt you with my words, I know I make you feel like a low-life creature at times. But truth is, I try to beat you to hurting me because I'm always convinced that I'm bound to get hurt some day. I'm not shy or ashamed to admit that I'm afraid to give you the upper hand in this relationship. I constantly make you feel like I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU. That YOU ARE NOT MY OXYGEN, WATER OR FOOD and so I can live without you. In that way, I have got the upper hand. That is once again because I'm in fear of getting my heart broken again. Though you don't say it, I know you are indirectly trying to prove your sincerity through your heart-melting deeds. Deeds such as, waiting for me for hours and HOURS, putting up with my non-stop hurtful words and vulgarities, taking a diploma despite NS just to meet my expectations when you have the liberty to actually do it after your ns, driving down to my place after almost 17 hours of work just because I was having a slight fever, taking the trouble to buy the ingredients early in the morning of your off day just so that you could cook for me, telling your family about just so that i would gain a little trust on you and many others. But sometimes, I find myself ignoring all these things that you do for me because some where in the sub-conscious part of my mind, I'm convinced that you will break my heart in the future and that these things are just the part of the foreplay. I know I have not been easy to be with and that I can be a pain in the ass and sometimes, heart. But I am sure that with sufficient time, together with your love and concern I will be able to get out of the 'world' that I am currently stuck in. Thank you for your patience, love, care, concern and confidence all these while and for the years to come. I love you, ashok kummar. I don't know if I'm saying this too soon but I hope to be saying this forever and sometime along the way, I hope to be saying the words "I do", confidently.

Sorry for the sidetracking. Life's been pretty much the same. Time flies, my previous post was somewhere along the line about my first article and now I'm already on the way to finishing my attachment! I end my attachment in feb 28! To date, I have had 6 articles published, with my name! It may be nothing to some but to me, it is an amazing experience. Who would have thought that taking up a Life Sciences course would have landed me with a job as an editorial intern with a healthcare magazine! Like I always say, Cool or what! I should say that my writing skills have improved tremendously. From much editing in my first two articles, I have reached a stage where little editing or close to none is needed.

In terms of FYP, I have got a presentation and AES due in early Feb. I am praying and hoping with my fingers crossed that I will be able to obtain an A for my FYP! So far, my supervisor or boss at PING healthcare has been very accomodating and helpful. Not only her, in fact all my colleagues have been very accomodating and nice with a capital N. They have not failed to make me feel like I'm one of them. Though, I have made mistakes on many occasions, they have handled me with only patience except for one or two hiccups here and there. Nevertheless, the good sure with no doubt, overpower the bad. I need to find a way to sincerely thank them before I leave PING healthcare. Ideas, anyone?

Other than that, I can't think of anything else. I feel that I have pretty much blogged about everything or rather the major happenings. Its ponggal today and so to my silent and not so silent readers, HAPPY PONGGAL!!

till the next entry!

Attachment lacks the zest already

2009-10-01T12:04:00.007+08:00

I'm offically bored to death at my work, hence I'm updating the blog. But hey, I'm not going to complain. My work is AWESOME! The people working here are AWESOME! The job is AWESOME! My supervisor is AWESOME to the power of infinity! It is just that sometimes I rush to finish all the work and then I'm left with nothing to do except to rot online. Maybe next time, I should slow down my speed. Maybe take like 20 toilet breaks like I'm a human liquid dispenser, make frequent visits to the pantry and prepare my 3-in-1 coffee so slowly like its not idiot proof already and pretend to answer phone calls as an excuse to go outside and hope that the clock would have skipped 30 minutes by then. Maybe then, I won't be so bored. RIGHTTTTTTTTTTT.

Okay so, GUESS WHAT. Two articles that I wrote are going to be published in a healthcare magazine called LiveWell Baby. I can't wait for it to be out. Never ever thought in my wildest dreams that my work would ever get published. COOLNESSSSSS.

Deepavalli is around the corner and the cleaning is going to start soon! OH NOOOOOOOOOOO. The one part that I hate about deepavalli is cleaning! ARGH. And this year it has to be extra clean cause I'm going to have an open house. Sighhhh.

Lil India expo has so many nice punjabis at $15 bucks ONLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! I think I'm gona get like 10, or maybe 5. Don't know leh. Like so cheap only.

Okay I'm random and I'm off.

My internet explorer's being a bitch

2009-08-27T00:06:00.004+08:00

That right. I upgraded my IE and it has been failing on me ever since and I can't access PDF documents online, can't access my blog and etc. Right now thanks to Safari, I am able to blog! God bless Apple!

So the exams are going on right now and I'm done with my third paper. 2 more left to go. Hopefully, I'll be able to do well for my final semester and set off on a happy note for my attachment. Talking of that, I am attached to PING healthcare which is a medical magazine company. My job scope includes helping the editor with research, assisting in office duties and medical conference onsite and preparation work. COOL OR WHAT SIA. Thank goodness, I am not stuck with working with the cells and waiting for them to communicate back with me. The best part is the company is near my home and I only got to report at 10am. COOLNESS. And I'm PAID! :D

I can't wait for the exams to be over. I will be left with 10 days of holidays and I will be clubbing on two of those nights. Totally looking forward to that!

Its really amusing how people say something for a moment and don't mean it the next. As of now, you are out of my life so that's really good. Let's keep that way, shall we aye? I was right about your bullshit and am thankful for not getting involved with it. Good luck with your life which you managed to get in the end. And no, this not for my ex boyfriend.

And talking about him, the rumors seem to have died down. I guess he is finally getting his senses. But nonetheless, I am just going to forgive you. I watched a movie the other day on how badly this girl suffered a breakup and till the end she could not bring herself to forgive him. And she realized that until she does forgive him, she will never be able to get over the past and enjoy genuine happiness or love that a guy was whole-heartedly giving. So in the end she decided to vent all her frustration on her ex and then forgive him. And guess what, she managed to enjoy genuine love and happiness after that! When you hate a person with all your might, you are just giving them the satisfaction of the job they had done. You are being the weak one here and the person's being the strong one. So instead, forgive them. There is no greater punishment than forgiving a person. And so, I truly forgive you. Let's let karma do job, shall we? One fine day, you will realize it. And finally, I am feeling true joy. It works, really.

Oh and I watched orphan with TM the other at AMK hub. It is an awesome movie man. Went to watched the movie after it was highly recommended on Nithya's blog. It has a real good storyline. Definitely, worth the 6 bucks! Thanks to NEBO card. HAHA.

Till the next entry!

ONCE AGAIN, MR. SHELTER

2009-07-15T20:05:00.010+08:00

Okay, I'm doubting your serious incapability to read or understand or both even. After all, you are the guy who needed help in all the modules that were associated with the English language and the guy who thought promiscuous was someone who makes alot of promises.

So just for your benefit, in laymen's term, SHUT the damn gap. Cause it is sickening when people ask me why I have a pussy mouth for an ex. And I can' find a good reason to save my face. Damn it. I have got every conversation saved in my computer so bitching around isn't going to score you much sympathy points. Why act all macho on the outside when its such a wussy behind that small frame of a body. Go around and do your thang like you said, "that you are never going to be serious with any girl but rather sleep around with those that are to come." Do whatever you want, but leave my name out of your pussy mouth.

I hope you got it, Mr Shelter.

ps. this time i hope that you get into a merciless accident and become horribly disfigured which would save me the pain of ever recognizing ur face and that the only place that would be able to give mr shelter, shelter would be the SPCA but they too can't cause your face would scare the poor animals away.

AMEN. AMEN.

2009-07-14T23:04:00.003+08:00

fucking irritating people. i wonder how it concerns them on what i write on my blog. as long, i get it out of my system and hopefully to the intended person, its good enough. not for others to judge and start thinking that i like him and that is why i'm blogging like that. hell, who blogs like this when they like a person?! URGH.

i freaking don't like him anymore please. i must be insane to do so.

MR. SHELTER

2009-07-14T20:00:00.011+08:00

Boy, boy, boy or should I say girl? Since gossiping isn't exactly a guy's thing or atleast not till your extent! Leave the gossiping to us girls man, we can do a BETTER job! Boy, you are so BITCHY! Going around and saying untrue stuff. I thought this happens in primary/secondary level but you have clearly proved me wrong. You denied the first time, alright. Now quite a few people have told me, so it can't be that they are lying right? Or else, its just your bad luck cause they say it came from your MOUTH.

Let me make this damn clear, we broke up cause I ASKED for the break. Later on, I realised that made a mistake and asked for a patch which you rejected saying you had to study and all the dung. So fine, I continued liking you. But I was SINGLE for two months and I did what I did (which was to KISS and nothing else, another guy) while I was DRUNK. C'mon people, when can you kiss a person and say its not wrong? Obviously when you are single right. Besides, I was DRUNK. Its okay, if you didn't believe my love anymore cause of the mistake and you had every right to do so. But why TWIST the story and say that we broke cause I kissed another guy? You can show your skills in tamil movies or something, not here. I NEVER did any shit while I was with you. Please don't include stuff like chatting with my ex (who was totally harmless but you thought was cause of insecurities, hell you didn't even trust my girlfriends), talking to a girlfriend or should I say girlfriends you didnt like. Its so LAME.

And then you say, I don't behave like a girl. Okay, the irony is this. How can you be saying this when you are behaving the exact OPPOSITE OF HOW A MAN SHOULD BE? Amusing. Look, for the shit you put me through, despite the countless advices my friends gave me to leave you then and there, I still tolerated it all. And one fine day, when I couldn't take it and blew up, you think I don't behave like a girl? Well, not like you gave me avenues to vent my frustration. Telling my girls was strictly banned. So at the rate I was going, if I didn't vent on you, I would have gone mad. Even my ex whom I showed my 100% anger to didn't bitch about it to anyone. So what have you got say, you weren't man enough to tolerate me? Then you got bitchy and said that I should tolerate whatever you do cause I'm a girl. Boy, its NOT a girl you need then. You need a BITCH, a female dog I mean. Which I sincerely hope you have found. Else, my sympathies for the next one.

You and I know the fair amount of shit we went through. So stop COOKING up stories la. Behave your age. As of now, I admit that I was hopelessly stupid to have wanted to get back with you. I hope you suffer in a merciless accident and your face becomes so disfigured that i wouldn't have the pain of recognizing you anywhere.

AMEN.

ps. Since you said I'm so hot-tempered and don't behave like a girl I thought why not. It doesn't make a difference anyway, especially to you.

2009-07-11T00:23:00.004+08:00

ignornace is bliss. so if i dont reply, get the hint and kindly fuck off.
you people are so full of shit and you can feed urself with it cause i ain't buying it.

if it pricks, then really fuck off. im nice, if you are. simple right. so why play bitchy?
fucktards.

ps. if you're loved and wanted, trust me. i'll take the initiative. get the cue if its otherwise.

RENUKA EDWARD SELVARAJ

2009-07-06T15:14:00.004+08:00

I'm getting really sick of people commenting on me. Just because I'm open (before you people get the wrong idea, i meant frank), hot-tempered, sacarstic, stubborn, have piercings on my chest and had a couple of boyfriends before doesn't make me a bad person. If my conservative mum can deal with it, what have you got to complain about? Oh and even my i-take-no-nonsense-and-bullshit dad is cool with it too.

I am trying to work on my temper and I'm doing quite a good job. Don't confuse temper with sacarsm. I love sacarsm and its just part of me. And when guys or girls go overboard, I give them a dose of it. I am stubborn but that too only to a certain extend and only with people I'm close with. So if you are not close to me, don't you dare complain about it.

Chest piercings. I have had alot of comments, both positive and negative. Received alot of stares also for both good and bad reasons. I chose to pierce my chest because it is unique as opposed to navel and tongue piercing. And my mum (yes, I had my mum's permission before I even pierced.) PREFERS me to pierce my chest than my navel. Chest piercing does not have as much complications as navel piercing. And my mother being a conservative individual does not want me to have any complications with my navel cause she wants me to be able to have a smooth preganancy in the future. LOL! I told you she is conservative. So just because it isn't common doesn't mean I'm committing a crime. I just dared to be different.

DEAL WITH IT.

Me having had a couple of boyfriends. Can I ask what century it is again? Cause the last I checked, it was the 21st century. Where even marriages can fail after 10-15 years of being together. Are relationships any expception then? Not like I was happily breaking hearts all over. I have had my fair share of shit. I have had a obssesive, possesive and abusive (emotionally, physically and verbally) boyfriend, suspicious boyfriend and a boyfriend who would judge me on my every mistake. I have had my fair share of happy times with them as well. But the point here is, I can't do anything if I had to call it quits for a relationship. How the hell are you supposed to continue on when you have completely no feelings for the person or vice versa? And my last relationship had landed me in the dumps and I had to try really hard to pick myself up but I kept falling over and over again, partly cause of my stupidity. And now finally, I have managed to get past the whole issue and live life as per normal. After my last sour relationship, I naturally think guys are jerks and sacarsm is my way preventing myself from any form hurt and of course it is part of me as well just that now I tend to more sarcastic than before. Especially when someone pisses me off with their talk. Try denying it but everyone has different ways to cope with their past and this is mine.

So next time before you judge anyone based on their exterior, take a moment to realise that there is explaination behind every action/behaviour.

Oh and lastly, I'm a scorpio and the above mentioned character and behaviour are typical of scorpios. :)

2009-07-05T01:28:00.001+08:00

so dead and tired. not at peace. weird feeling. don't feel like talking to anyone. wana be alone.

2009-06-30T15:35:00.003+08:00

My mum has taken half day off from work to go to JB with my aunt for some retail therapy and massaging. GRRRRRRR. And I'm left here all alone to study for my common test! Oh well. I can't wait to begin my attachment!! RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

I need to get my hands on the biotherm aqaua trio. Its expensive hence it better work! I hate those mini bumps on my forehead!! I want to have a smooth and flawless complexion, too much to ask for?? My mother keeps giving me weird remedies to reduce those mini bumps and I'm getting sick and tired of them. Cause, they don't work but she'll be like "see, it is working!! It was worser yesterday right??" She just keeps convincing herself that they work. Oh my dear biotherm, I'm coming for you!! But I'm quite confused on which one to choose between shishedo and biotherm. Biotherm seems like a better choice so I'm going for it but else, I really don't know which is better. Help, anybody??

Okay it's my bad. Your number's changed I think. Sorry, for jumping to conclusions.

2009-06-29T16:37:00.002+08:00

Instead of chiding myself on how dumb I could actually be to message you, I'm just gona take it as cue to see where I really stand. And I shall never ever let down my ego no more. I wish you all the best in life and never to bump into you, ever.

I DETEST people who come into my life and leave when they feel like. Does my life look like a freaking stage play to you? You either stay or just leave for good. Your guest appearance isn't going to charm me much. So, FUCK YOU, YOU FARKING TWIT!

ps. Don't bother asking me who is this about and stuff. I hope I can get some privacy around here, you read and thats it. NOW I FEEL GOOOOOD :)

2009-06-26T23:45:00.004+08:00

Okay so I have got the H1N1 influenza to thank for my 1 week extended break. This week has been pretty slow. I have been like sleeping through most of the days, revising and going for my other classes. The thing that i hate about holidays is that I lose control over my sleeping hours! And when school starts, I'm dead cause I'll be such a zombie at school without the usual 12-15 hours of sleep!

So life has been pretty good. The jerk is being thought of lesser and lesser. And I'm living every moment with passion by doing what I like. Even sleeping, I ADORE sleeping hokay! Actually, life couldn't get any better. I get almost or should I say EVERYTHING that I want. Thanks to CHARLES WILLIAM! Ever since the break up, thanks for being there and trying so hard to make me smile and getting me to resume back to my normal lifestyle. Thanks for spending like THOUSANDS on me! I know you love pampering me but seriously I also know its cause of getting my mind off that jerk too. Thank you so much! (okay! no thank yous!) You are seriously such a good friend. Nope, you are my guardian angel. Always making sure that I'm safe and sound. Taking in all my tantrums and being my listening ear. Thanks for everything my guardian angel! You will always be my guardian angel! :)

So for people who know me, they will know me for the movie junkie that I am. I watch about 3-6 movies a week. Be it borrow or the theatres. So anyway, there are two particular movies that I watched which I think are AWESOME!

1) Down With Love starring Renee Zellweger and Ewan McGregor

This movie potrays mind games at its best! The movie has a 80's theme to it. And I simple love Renee's acting. Ever since Bridget Jones diary, I have always liked her. I think she is hilarious and yet realistic. A must watch for people who love playing mindgames or love watching others play mindgames. Anywho, just watch!

2) He's Just Not That Into You starring multiple stars like Ben Affleck, Jennifer Anniston, Jennifer Connelly, Drew Barrymore, Justin Long and etc..its a long list!

This movie is a must watch for girls! Its like a eye opener. As girls, we are used to running away from the painful facts that are staring right into our faces and end up getting hurt over and over again. So watching this movie would make ya look at things or rather guys with different perspectives rather than just one. This movie is based on facts from the start to ending. In my perspective, I feel that they are facts however you may choose to disagree.

Okay other than that, I'm heading to the gym tommorrow with Sakun. Yes, I know I'm thin but hey everyone needs a healthy lifestyle and I'm heading for it too! So let's see how it goes tommorrow! Nights world!

2009-06-15T00:03:00.003+08:00

I had a dream of you, two nights ago. A dream that would have probably got me waking up wth a wide smile. You and me, we got back together, despite the odds. I thought that I would be overjoyed since I got you back but suprisingly, I was not. I had to constantly try to explain my actions even though you didnt ask, I had to keep making sure that everything was in place and that I was always there when you needed me. And if I wasn't I had to provide with a good explaination even though you didnt ask me. Thats when I realised, when somebody doesn't love you for who you are and you got to constantly try to meet up with their standards just so that you could be how they want you to be, thats definitely not love. So instead of me forcing you outta my system, this whole 'vision' has made me see things from a better perspective.

Life can't get any better! :)

2009-05-31T22:15:00.003+08:00

Okay, I am blogging sooner than I expected. So after exactly, 1.5 months since I last spoke to you, the first thing I want to blog about is you. But its a little different this time cause it is for the better I guess.
Initially, I was taking the whole damn break up issue really bad and behaving really stupid. Hell, I even tried attempting suicide which gave me nothing but endless sleep and terrible stomach ache and headache. I could never accept the break cause I always felt like it was MY mistake that everything happened and that I never did enough to mend them. I could never forgive myself. And I kept running back to you every damn time, only to have you pushing me away with fucking hurtful words. I keep telling myself that eventually things would get better but no, it only got worse and I got myself shit which I had a hard time coming out from.

I'm going to be honest. You always occurred to me to be that guy who knew everything, knew how to handle everything, knew how to love a girl right and treat a girl. right I always thought I could never find anyone else like you. I was head over heels in love with you. I admit that as much i hated you for controlling me on certain stuff, deep down I knew that you did all that you did cause you loved me. Yes, I did mistakes and eventually you got "seasoned" to it. But really, sometimes I did what I did to really see if you care cause after some time, after what happened, I felt like as if you didnt love me anymore. I thought you never wanted me anymore but just didnt wana hurt me by telling me off. Of course, I could have just asked ya straight to your face but I didn't want to cause of well, my pride. I wanted to show that it didn't affect me but I guess I handled it all wrongly. I kept doing the mistakes and you got "seasoned" to them eventually and I didn't get the usual reactions and I started to feel miserable and behaved like a fool and the relationship took a turn for the worst. And then I felt that everything was going to fast and there were just way to many fights and I just didnt know how to handle it and it seemed to me like you just gave up on the relationship. That was when I asked for the break, thinking that some time away from each other would help. But of course, you thought the direct opposite of what I did and took it as a step to forget me COMPLETELY. Oh well, you may say that you didn't and never led me on. But seriously, some of your actions are sometimes incomprehensible. And of course, since there were two sides to it I obviously took the positive side of it. So well, whatever. And of course, the day finally came where you indirectly told me to fuck off and that is when I realised I have ready lost all the self-respect that anyone could ever lose. And there I was in the beginning, holding on to my pride. LOL.

Recently, I met a friend of mine and the conversation switched to about how I was coping without you and stuff and only after did she know that I was doing okay did she reveal this. I SWEAR, I thought I was dreaming the whole incident. I really couldn't believe what i was hearing. On my 18th birthday last year, even before all "that" shit happened, you already began your bitching business with her boyfriend! You told him stuff like I kissed another guy (Which is not true. He kissed me goodbye on the cheek and that too as a friendly gesture and instead of hiding it from you I told you that very day), every other problems that we had, that I'm a bad person to befriend with and all the other nots and nonsense. Seriously, don't you practise what you preach? The minute I mention to one of my close classmates or forbidden friends about a quarrel that we had (mind you, i didn't bitch about yo here), you would be so irritated and start throwing words. What I did was unacceptable to you. And here, on my birthday, leaving me alone with my friend, you bitch about your own girlfriend to an almost stranger and complain about personal matters to him. What do you call that?? Isn't that like a total breach of trust? Oh wait, you also told him not to reveal about it to anyone especially me. And the next day, instead of just apologizing to my friend for the shit that happened, you told the same shit that you told her boyfriend and again asking her not to tell me anything. What were trying to prove here? If you were so angry with me over the stuff that I did or if you didn't want me to do certain stuff, you could have told me. I ASKED YOU A MILLION TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ASKED YOU WHAT WAS WRONG AND DID I DO ANYTHING WRONG OR HURT YOU. BUT YOU KEPT REFUSING. I TRIED SO MANY TIMES TO GET IT OUT OF YOU BECAUSE I COULD SOMETHING WAS AMISS. BUT NO, YOU NEVER TOLD ME WHAT YOU COULD TELL TO AN ALMOST COMPLETE STRANGER. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All this happened during the relationship. And now, when I look back at our chat logs i really cannot believe that it was you who did what you did. You showed so much of love and made everything so beautiful. The way you replied to my messages, its just so DIFFERENT. You were always so adamant on the fact that I would get over you the minute I broke up with you right. So here it is, we broke up on the 11th of Jan and it has since been exactly 4.5 months. I have re-lived almost an entire relationship that I had with you. Only this time, it is without you or you love. Yes, I did a mistake once but that was when i was drunk and not in my right senses. (It was just a kiss.) That doesn't mean that I forgot all my love for you and did that mistake right? Cause your logic is stupid! Plain stupid. You just want to be right in everything. And even if it is not, you will convince the other person to see your point of the "truth".

For all the love/bullshit that said you had for me, did you ever once, just once, stop to think on how I was coping without you? Did you? I can bet my whole life on this that you never ever did once. I am so sure of this. As for me, there was never a day that I stopped thinking about you. I had to occupy myself with so much of activites to the point that it exhausts me to a great deal just to get my mind off you. Of course, this is still justa nother bullshit to you. I don't even why I am typing this whole shit out. It just feels so good getting this whole ting out of my system, like an excretion. Today, I got reminded of you so suddenly and I cried. I got reminded of all the lovely times that we had that seems almost impossible to even imagine now, I got reminded of your love for me and how you have changed so tremendously. But then i realise, that girl and her bf were not the only ones you bitch to. There was another one too and that was done when we were sailing smoothly. So, it just makes me wonder. Which part of you is real? Which part of your love was true? Did you mean anything that you said? The way you behaved then and the stuff that I heard are complete OPPOSITE of each other. WHAT WAS REAL IN THE REALTIONSHIP?? WHO WAS I EVEN LOVING or WHAT WAS I EVEN LOVING??

I LOVED you alot and I have shed enough tears and lost enough self respect whilst trying to prove it. You didn't ask me to prove it but the way you speak.....argh!! Its like "you are never this and you are never that" and it makes a normal person to wana prove something.

Is it possible to love a person so much and after that hate him to the same point as well? Cause it is beginning to happen to me. Love to realisation and realisation to hate.

I only have to thank you for the patience, self control and the hurt that you gave me. Cause now it only makes me stronger. But the bad thing about is that it makes it so hard for me to trust anyone.

And yes, you are right. The right one will come alone and it is definitely not you.

GOOD RIDDANCE, SUNSHINE LOVE :)

Amen.

ps. I don't know if what I blogged made sense but so long as it makes sense to me, its fine. So my silent readers, (I know you read cause sometimes you mention stuff which I never told ya about!) try figuring out okay.

2009-05-08T22:25:00.002+08:00

I am abandoning this space till end of this semester. And then, i want to see what is the first thing that I blog about. Just curious.

2009-04-06T03:45:00.004+08:00

Okay, I'm not exactly in the best of moods. Then again, when have I been since...

Its killing me from within. Why did it have to happen? Its NOT normal. except for maybe ABNORMAL people. And mind you, i dont fall within that category. So, its NOT normal. I hate it. The feeling just sucks. First I'm going about with my daily life and then suddenly, DANG and it hits me. That one thought that makes my stomach churn and makes me hyperventilate.

WHY? no, WHY ME??

2009-03-20T00:42:00.002+08:00

Yeayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! I managed to do quite well for exams!! Most importantly, I PASSED molecular genetics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And omg omg omg omg omg omg! I'm going out with him tom!! :D

2009-03-19T23:57:00.003+08:00

WHY?

Cause you still give me the butterflies in my stomach each time I meet or speak to you.

2009-03-08T17:14:00.003+08:00

How irritating! Its always and only about passing e stuff. And he ends it off with a stupid "ciao" which infuriates me even more. Like he is tooooo eager to end it all once and for all. When I wanted to pass him, he didn't bother. Now when he has the mood, he'll ask.

I got no idea why I am even pissed but I am. Not pissed but irritated. You are such a disappointment.

I don't even know if I have the strength to face him. I wish i could just pretend like nothing ever happened at all. Sigh...

Some couples have even more worse problems and they stay intact and manage with the arising problems but ours too much to handle, it seems.

Kill me.

2009-03-08T01:24:00.004+08:00

I can't help but have this teeny weeny part of my heart wishing that it didnt happen. 6 months may not be a long period of time but its the quality and not the quantity than counts. To me, there are simply so much of memories to let go or forget. Almost every place reminds of atleast a memory. Maybe that is why I can't bring myself to see any other other guy in your place yet. Or not anytime soon either. My friend says we dont even share a basic understanding. We don't click in anyway or have anything in common. Is that really true? Opposites attract, or atleast that is what they say. I wonder how in just one moment you could throw all e love and memories aside. Or was I just being oblivious to it all e while? Right now, everything i say or do is just going irritate you. Like it always has been. How i wish for once, just once you could really see through how i feel. And how I wish you would let me explain myself. And how I wish you would really just listen. And how I wish you would be there to tell me, "don't worry, I'm still here." And how I wish I never had to wake up to face reality.

Oh, how I wish............. :(

2009-03-04T01:55:00.008+08:00

Okay, after a long long long period of time I'm updating again. So much has changed during my absence from my blog. Exams are over, holidays have started, first time clubbing and I is single. LOL!

Oh well relationship wise, enough tears shed, enough love shown and enough hurt gotten in return. I guess if it is meant to be, it will be. Else, what goes around, comes around. I did feel like shit all this while thinking where I could have went wrong and tried so much to make it up to you. But you never saw that. You wanted your time and your space and you simply neglected me leaving me dangling in the air. I was clueless as to what was happening and you neve bothered to answer to my questions. I have made mistakes and I have also tried to make up for it. But none of it seems visible to you cause you are heavily blinded by all e mistakes i did that you couldn't see no good coming from me. But coming to think of it now, I have no need to feel like shit. I changed myself how much I could and tried to adapt to your character. I gave up talking to people you disliked. Even if it was not an immediate effect. I tried to control my temper and gave in to you now and then. I put up with your suspicious behaviour. And others which i don't wish to mention here. But all these vanished into the thin air in just one split second. It took you just a moment to forget that I even existed. What a fool I was to think that you would never do this to me and that you would return. Oh well, I guess everyone enters your life for a reason and you must have one too. Through those, sleepless nights, non stops tears and never ending heart aches you have made me into a stronger woman. And through the relationship you have taught me patience, how to control my temper and how to control my rebellious ways. Hats off to you for that. Thanks alot. If doing what you did to me makes you happy then so be it. :)

And as much as I am single, I am not open to another relationship as yet. Sometimes it is so irritating when guys ask you if you can see them more than a friend and that if they stand a chance with you in the future. For godsake, I have got a heart and rest assured it is not made out of paper. I have feelings and I'm not planning to engage into another relationship anytime soon. I rather be single and do with casual dates for now. Which i already am. :)
THANK YOU.

As for school, exams are OVER and the hols have began! Haven't started on any job yet and don't intend too as I'm having more than enough money through some source. ;) You know who you are and thanks! Hence, I am simply enjoying my holidays to the maximum that I can. And I can wait to collect my new CANNON IXUS 870IS!! Thanks again! :) Can't wait for the class chalet on the 4th april. Got to attend this one as I have missed out on countless outings! :P And of course, can't wait for the outing with RAJEN AND GOWRI! I miss them so so so so so much can!! Got to meet up with them devour on FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! :D

Also, i have just joined a bhajan group recently through Praba (baba). I'm simply loving it and thanks Praba! I'm still yet to continue my classical singing and dancing. I'm feeling so lazy to go and sign up again. Oh well, I dont have much of a choice.

And finally I am clubbing tom!! It is going to be my first time and I probably sound like an excited kid now but who cares?! Can't wait to finally see my lost love, GOWRI! Its been eons since I met her and what would a first clubbing experience be w/o GOWRI?! Hence, tom is going to be so happening and I can't wait for it! Would be going with a group of ten people so I think that would make the experience far more interesting one! So I better go and get my beauty sleep now!

nights world.

2009-01-05T19:40:00.005+08:00

I was indulging myself in one of Danielle Steel's book when I heard a woman's crying just below. ( i live on the 2nd floor so i happen to able to hear from cats making noises to find a mate to husband and wife squabbles.) And this woman, she was pleading with her husband/boyfriend/special one to stop treating her like that and to be nicer with her. And just as I was about to forget my relationship woes and slip into my imaginary world with books, this incident made snap back to reality.

The conversation I had with him today, both, lasted a mere 30 seconds. There was really nothing much for us to talk. It also didn't seem like if I had wanted to prolong the conversation he would have happily entertained me either, I assume. The usual cheerfulness was missing from his voice (well, maybe this could be due to the tiredness from revising) and all i could sense was the distrust in it. I told him that I was revising earlier and had taken a break and would resuming to revision soon. And he replied that with a short, sarcastic laughter. Sorry, but I'm not exactly a saint and I could no way see this as a optimistic reply cause even i were to take it as one, it wasn't even funny that he had to laugh for. What I could sense rather was the distrust in his voice. I know, it was my fault. Not once, not twice. But really, if I had known that proving was going to be so hard I would have never did it.

I really miss him so much. I miss his corny jokes, his sweet messages, his hugs, his kisses and so on. Funny thing is I miss all of these stuff only when he stops doing it. Not that I was not appreciative but rather not as appreciative. We talk so little, barely updating each other on the day's happenings. But I can't bring myself to continue the conversation because I know I'm so weak that I might just end up crying which might just upset him. The way he replies or react is hurting and hence, I have to limit my conversation.

Just yesterday, I was talking to my mum till 3.30am in the morning and I don't know what came over me but I told my mum about my bf. Not entirely but the fact that I like him. She didn't give much of a reply cause according to her I'm fickle so she only wants me to seek her when I have made up my mind. So fair enough, I left it at that and talked about other issues. I haven't had the chance to tell this to my bf and probably wouldn't be telling due to the countless problems over it in the past. Maybe if it happened before all the problems he would have been happy but now, I think not.

At times, I just feel like crying but I just can't. I don't understand why I just can't be hard hearted and just leave. It is not that he is a bad guy or anything like that. Like, i have mentioned in my previous post he is an ideal bf. Its just that in the past when a relationship becomes hard to handle, I chose to leave. Cowardly move, but back then I thought it beats to getting myself hurt. But this time, I really love him and I know that I have got no one to blame except for myself. He kept to his words but I didn't keep to mine.

I just secretly, hope/wish/pray that everything would be back to normal soon. Pretty soon?

and then there is this other voice that says in my head, dream on.

I HATE IT.

2009-01-04T23:33:00.004+08:00

i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate i.t i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.

its just happening all over again. just cause of this mistake i did. i admit, my fault. but scream, shout, beat or whatever. dont be like this, it kills man. after so much of tears and quarrels, it became right. and now, its back again. okay, it my fault. AND I'm SO EXTREMELY SORRY okay. honestly, if it was me i wouldnt have forgiven myself for the countless-th time. i feel so guilty and fucked up that i feel like leaving. not cause i dont love you but cause i just can't bear the hurt that i caused. yes, i think i'm a coward too. but the damn love's stopping me. i just hate myself and hate myself more for falling in love. ITCHY me.

ps. no, i am not seeking attention. my blog, so i'll vent my frustrations. rather than on my family members.

2009-01-04T02:06:00.004+08:00

Tears are welling up in my eyes. I don't know what to do or react. All I know is I dont deserve him cause of what i have done and I just want to prove him for once, wrong.

And then I'll leave, for good.

So that makes my new year resolution number 1: Be an ideal gf to my already ideal and sweet bf.

2008-12-28T22:14:00.003+08:00

Took a walk down memory lane,
Amazed by the experiences this soul has gained,
No out there to fathom this pain,
For I'm the only one to carry the blame.

Came to realise your love's a play,
Just a price this soul has to pay,
Tried real hard to take all in my stride,
But why had I been taken for a ride?

Loved you with all my heart,
And you said we'll never be apart,
Never knew your love was fake,
Now its too much for my heart to take.

My mind is in a turmoil,
This love between us is about to fail,
Can't choose between what is real,
Is this why I was born a girl?

My 1st time coming up with something like this. I have taken a liking into writing poems! Let's see how it goes from now on :)

One of the best days ever

2008-12-24T23:04:00.004+08:00

Well, well what can I say? I couldn't ask for more. After yet another terrible quarrel yesterday, the night after that and today turned out just too pleasant. Everything went just as beautiful as I wished it to be. He met me only at 3.45 pm today, but I was still touched despite him coming late. Reason being, he still came even though he was tired, even though it was raining and even though he had to take the bus instead of his bike since it was raining.

Spent some time at my place watching part of Vallavan and then made our way to Comfort Driving Center, only to find it closed. So then I decided to send him home and take a bus back home from his place. We took bus 87 and while chatting, he suddenly popped up the idea of spending some time at Compass Point before he head back home. Again, another sweet gesture cause he has to be back home early for some reason and when he could have simply went home to get some rest, he thought of spending that time with me. But at the end of the day, we spent the evening at a pasar malam near his house cause me being me just can't resist pasar malams!

I loved the way he made me duck my head into his jacket so that i wouldn't get wet, the way he held my hand and the way he hugged me and walked. I can never ask for more. It seemed like the best ever. Like how it was at the start of our relationship. All the more makes this year's Christmas a blissful one! Hence,

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

This the first photo of us that I have posted on the blog, i think.

2008-12-22T21:56:00.002+08:00

Past one week has been a heavy week with lots of quarrels with the boyfriend. Okay, with the exception of Saturday and Sunday. Today started pretty fine too except for some small bumps here and there. Sometimes, I wish I could stand in his position and see what I could not see from my side. And sometimes I wished he could be in mine. But neither is possible, so yea. The way he reacts, his behaviour and talking sometimes makes me feel so uncomfortable because I feel it is all negative. I'm attracted to him cause of his rebelious ways, short-temper, possesiveness and etc. But sometimes I hate myself so much for liking the "bad" side of him cause it makes it so difficult for me to leave. NOT that i want to leave or anything, but I can't seem to not solve anything and leave it at a standstill situation where you just ignore the person for the time being. And on some occasions, the very reason that I'm attracted to him backfires me by causing me hurt.

Sometimes I really want him by my side, and sometimes I just want to be all alone and sometimes I dont even know what I'm feeling. I was so strong that this could go for long. But now, i'm so scared. My confidence is washing away. I guess, let time decide.

Rollercoaster ride

2008-11-13T00:31:00.002+08:00

Phew! Like after what seemed like a gazillion years I am finally able to see my posts up on this fucking blog! I'm guessing that there was something wrong with my template hence, the posts could not be published. And the clever me forgot to save the tagboard codes so now I have got to find a new one. YEAY, me!

Life has been going pretty good. My memory's getting from bad to worse. I'm missing datelines and birthday and the former being the more important one. Okay, I just realised that my first sentence and my second sentence contradicts each other! hahaha. Oh well...

The relationship's going OKAY with lotsa fights going on. I feel like evrythings different now and he thinks otherwise. We are people of different view. Like totally opp poles. Hence, the arguements. I just hope it gets well!

I should really be doing my report on the traits drosaphila flies right now but I'm procastinating it.

Night world.

Too good to be true

2008-10-21T23:46:00.004+08:00

First everything seems fairytale like and then you start believing in happy endings. When you are trying for each other, all is as enthusiastic as ever. And after you get the person the attention and hype dies down.

why?

Life and its complications

2008-10-21T14:16:00.004+08:00

Finally, I have found the time to blog. School has been like a rollercoaster ride. Seems like this is going to be a tough semester so God bless me! I need to get through this semester with As. No kidding. I need those As cause my GPA is really sucking balls right now.

Deepavalli is approaching and my mum's mood getting worse as the BIG day gets closer. The reason? Cause she has no idea how she is going to get all the cleaning done by Deepvalli! AHHHHHHHHH!! And so she vents those frustrations on me. But its okay cause my TV arrives tomorrow!(Its okay if it doesn't make any sense.) WOOOOOOO finally a bigger tv to be mounted on the wall!

I'm not feeling too well. Today marks the 3rd week! Damn! And today i saw traces of blood in my flame when i spitted it out today. This shows how heaty my body is but I don't get it cause I have been cutting down on my intake of choclates. How much moreeeee? Okay, I think its just the lack of water then. Shall drink to the pink of health!

The relationship has been going good so far. But there has been alot of fights/quarrels surfacing. Certain particular words have been said. I guess, I'm hoping that we would fight/quarrel less and that things would get smoother. Oh well, let see what life has in store for us. Can't really type what I am feeling in here cause there people reading this space even though they don't tag (hint!).

Okay, I'm typing all this whilst my break in school and I got to go now. So ciow!

And I hate that I love you so..

2008-10-01T22:33:00.002+08:00

Okay so it is kind of obvious from my nick that I'm in a mushy mood. But honestly, I'm not and I couldnt think of any other title for my post. LOL. So throughout the holidays, I have been idling my time away. That's right, for a precious 1 month plus of my life. Most jobs either require billingual or 21 and above or its either not my type. Okay, I'm a little (maybe more) fussy. Hence, that is leaving me jobless and partially broke for now. So anybody wana treat meeeeeeeeeee? :D You will be loved for the rest of my life!

The holidays were pretty much spent on the boyfriend. I LOVED it! We fight alot but those fights pretty much brought us closer, I should say. Fortunately for me, I feel so comfortable with him. Like we can talk about anything under the sun! Bitch, drama, sing, crap, fight and what have you! I LOVE YOU BOYFRIEND. YOU ARE AN ASS AT TIMES BUT STILL THE BEST OF THE BEST.

So recently kartik krish messaged me to update me on his life and I was like wtf? You go MIA and never bother to check up on me and then you come back one fine day just to update me on how you are? Is that your definition of best friend? FUCK YOU. Seriously, I dont need your friendship. Even my casual friends enquire about me alot more than you. You were busy? Like for more than a month and you never had time for me? Who are ya kidding? And to think that the first person I thought of calling when I was down was you. Urgh. Makes me sick to my gut.
So that would mean the second good riddance for the year. Good bye and I wish you all the best.
Chapter CLOSED.

School's starting in about a week plus's time and I'm actually eager to start. No, I'm not a loser but rather I have been toooooo free at home (okay, close to a loser but still not one!).

So I'm off then!

Within a snap of the fingers

2008-07-29T21:41:00.001+08:00

So things have taken a major change recently. I'm attached, yet again. I'm taking it as it comes. Don't want to complicate things. Suprisingly, people whom i thought would be disppointed in me are actually happy for me. Well, thats good I guess. So then, i shall see how it goes. First few months' always the honemoon period so I'll get to see the real picture after that. Can't help but say that a part of me secretly wishes that it would end up well though. :)

School's a bitch, I swear. The stupid HACCP project is getting on my nerves! Hell, I dont even know what the project is about and what is needed for the project. Whats better yet is the fact I'm the module rep for this module and the group leader for my group. Good heavens! Exams just around the corner, 3 weeks to be exact. I'm yet to start on my revisison. Well, I did start but I doubt anything did went into this numb skull of mind. Somebody date me out to STUDY pleaseeeeeee!

LOL.

And I'm missing GOWRI and RAJEN badly. Overnight soon please! It was supposed to be this sat and I'm still harbouring on the hope that it would not get postponed. :(

Ahhhh. I off!

Is it for real?

2008-07-13T20:23:00.001+08:00

Am I feeling it for real? Or am I just imagining it?

I hate you all the more for putting me in this position.

Revamped!

2008-06-29T22:59:00.003+08:00

So I said that i was gona change my banner design but of course me being the lazy me, decided to revamp the whole blog instead cause its much easier this way! Life has been rather mundane for the past one week due to the common test. On the whole, i guess the common test went pretty okay except for ABC and Indust Micro! So had an enjoyable weekend and now I'm due for sch tom! Time really flies man!

Cleared my stuff today. Got rid of most of the stuff that were going to remind me of the past. Now I have got arrange my notes cause they are practically all over the place! I have got to do my report now but I'm so sleepy that I might just skip it and probably rush it through the morning tom. Hah! The oh-so-typical of me.

I'm loving my life right now. Its less complicated now and so much more peaceful. And the incident has indeed made me a stronger person. :)

I'm off to bed, good night world!

Good Riddance!

2008-06-27T23:53:00.003+08:00

Finally, all the drama and events have ended. I have moved on and i'm starting to enjoy my singlehood. I have got to change my banner design soon!

I hope never to assosciate with you ever again. You disappoint me. You wanted me back?

FUCK YOU.

Moments to remember

2008-06-10T13:50:00.004+08:00

I'm still waiting. I'm missing your presence alot. When you were right beside me, I took you for granted. Now when you are distant, I'm missing you so much. I just dont know how to lead life without you. I'm trying though.

But I just want you to know, I can't be truly happy without you and I'm living with the hope that you will be back and that I'm still there in your heart.

Remember those times? Especially genting. When I was so scared to go for the space shooter, you hugged me and assured me that it will okay and after the ride when I was horrified you just hugged me tight and comforted me.

How about in the airport? You messaged me like as if you would never be able to book out from camp but got every details from me on where I was deployed at. And then suddenly you appeared fom behind with a ring in your hand and you waited for me for 6 hours till my shift ended.

Do you remember the time when we went to temple on our first month anniversary and the priest looked at us and asked us if we just had our ROM? Remember how happy we were?

Do you atleast remember the last day of genting and we had a heated arguement and you didnt want me to leave the room cause it was dangerous outside and so you left instead. I was angry at first but after a while when you didnt come back I was so afraid and started to worry. After some time when I opened the door, you stood there and I pulled you inside and just hugged you tightly and started crying. I never felt so secured than anything when in your arms.

Are you asking me to forget all these and move on? If I do, I'm probably heartless. I know we had alot of fights but of course the good times overpower the bad ones right? You were there toleating all my nonsense and hurt. Now it's my turn. I'm not a coward to just leave you and find someone else. I love you and I will wait. I know deep down, you too love me. And I'm very sure of that. I miss resting on your chest, hugging you so tight that I feel most secured, you playing with my hair and all those wrestling on the bed. I miss it all! I know you do too.

Just know that I'm really sorry for everything and that I'm changing. Its you and you only.

Get well soon!

You keep me going strong

2008-06-08T01:49:00.002+08:00

Amidst all these, I need to be strong.
I need to be there for you.
I'll accept the consequences as it was my fault.
Right now, the only thing that keeps me going is the hope that you will recover soon and come back.
I'm sincerely sorry.
I hope you can see that I have changed.
And I will remain as a changed person till the end.
Please recover soon.

Renu

Fairytale endings? Tsk..

2008-06-04T21:43:00.003+08:00

I'm everything bad in the relationship. The one at fault. The one who is always crying. The one who is always ignored. The one who is the least important. But at the end of the day, I still run back to him crying. WHAT THE FUCK??

He says, he would only control his temper only if I watch what I'm saying. But hello, do you realise that I mean them? Just because you refuse to listen to them doesn't mean they are untrue. A person depends on a relationship for support but in here, I am the support for the relationship. I'm doing everything. Just one fine day, I'll fall. Cause I can't take it anymore. Its just too much for me to bear.

You take advantage of the fact that I will always come back crying to you no matter what. Cause you know that I can't live without you. You are my everything, literally. No one can match up to you. As much I have insulted you to the maximum in anger, I love you to that point as well. I love you too much that just one small mistake hurts me like hell. Every time, I walk away I always hoped that maybe this time he would ask me back again. He loves me. NOT?

I have to ask you to do things for me. Just so that I feel loved. But at the end of the day you claim that you love me. You are only almost there when I need you.

What hurts the most is just because you hate to see me cry, you yell at me to stop crying? How do you even have the heart? Stop saying that I used to shout last time and stuff and that it is not wrong for you to do it now because I loved you for who you are and if you want to be like who I was then what is the point of me loving you. Then again, you know I can't live without you and I come back crying.

I just hope that someday I will grow independent and never have to bother you like I do now. Like I said, its a chore for you to love me.

The oh-so-fucked up life.

2008-05-10T23:32:00.004+08:00

Yes, I'm the cause of everything. I'm the hot-tempered one, the unreasonable one, the one who never listens! Do you know how much it sucks for me that everyone in the world is supporting you. Even my mum and dad. Well done, and it is so clear that you are taking advantage of it by raising your voice at me, taking my tears for granted and using vulgarities at me. It makes me think whatever I have done, is it even worth it? I don't know if it is even healthy enough to continue but at the same time I can't bear to let you go. Yes, as much as it seems fictional, it is TRUE.

REGISTER that!

I cry at least 2-3 times a day, and we have a quarrel like once every 30mins-1hr? You think I'm not hurt? I'm a human too. Even now, you told me you would come online but I still don't see you. I know that if I call you now, you are going to make a fuss and probably scream at me. But you see, I love you. And that itself makes me do crazy things. SIGH.

God, HELP ME! Else, I'm really going to end up in depression!

AMEN!

How boring...

2008-03-31T20:43:00.003+08:00

I'm so frigging tired and sleepy but I have got to stay awake cause I'm expecting some guests. Work is so boring and is becoming more like a chore. Sure, the people there are a great company but if not for them I could seriously die from boredom. Like there was twice when I posted at terminal 1's landside skytrain station and terminal 2's landside skytrain station. RAHHHHH! So fuuuuuuuucking boring can?! Its like there is barely anyone who comes up to you and asks for assistance. On the other hand, transit's fun though. I had to work 3 hours over-time today cause Mansfield called me yesterday at 12.30 am begging me to come down so I made my way there at 9am. I was deployed at 'A' pier at terminal 3's transit and I got to know some people from the 1st shift and they are really a fun bunch! Especially the part when Sha and I and this other malay guy were disturbing Ansari in Macs.

Then later at 12pm was deployed at terminal 1's transit with fiqah and we were like totally so lethargic and kept walking around aimlessly. Today is the last day for some them and they were snapping pictures away. I got to obtain some pictures from Ansari. I guess I too will be missing it when I end my contract in April 12. :(

I miss you so much! We rarely get to see each other and now when we do I feel that we have grown up. No, seriously. Less arguements and more affection. I like it this way. :)

WOOHOO!

2008-03-30T01:49:00.002+08:00

It couldn't get any better, I SWEAR!

NEW DESKTOP COMPUTER, DIGITAL CAMERA AND CREATIVE MP4!!

I'm sure loving it!

Trial pictures after obtaining my camera. Can't wait to put it to proper use!

2008-03-25T21:39:00.002+08:00

The world around me is spinning. I wish I could press "pause" button but unfortunately it is rather impossible.

Everything just seems wrong and I'm feeling to weak to bother about it all.

Some day, some time, everything will be just fine.

Till then.

2008-03-12T14:23:00.001+08:00

no one really cares.
i'm broken.
everyone just fuck off.

Major events.

2008-03-08T00:44:00.009+08:00

Okay, I'm back again after a long break. Major events would be Valentine's day, my EXAMS, and my job. So Valentine's did turn out to be quite eventful after all. Deva actually made a request to his major, on the behalf of his other mates to book for a few hours. So, while I was waiting for the bus back home with Julius Kensan and Norbert, I received a call from him asking me to wait for him at YCK mrt station. And there I was grumbling about how I could not meet my boyfriend for Valentine's day! So, you can imagine my excitement. Nothing really special took place on that day but the fact he made some effort to meet was more than enough. However, I did get a belated Valentine's Day present from him. It was limited edition apple blossom gift set from bodyshop. Ohhhhh, I love the fragrance! Believe it a not, I have not even opened it cause I have got no heart to. Its simply beautiful. Besides, he was super broke that day and just because I loved the fragrance he got it for me then and there. *melts*

The next big event would be the exams. Well, I can't really expect much from it cause it was all last minute studying. But I'm really hoping, with my fingers crossed that I would not have to retake any modules. God Bless me!

Lastly, my job is pretty fine. Infact, I love it! I get to see different people from different walks of life. From the rich to the poor, nice ones to the arrogant ones, I have seen them all. Being in the service industry is really rewarding. Especially the feeling you get when your assistance made a difference, nothing can compare to it. The only bad thing about this job is that it is only 3 days a week. Hence, the remaining 4 days I'm bored to death except on Saturday when I get to see my army boy!

So I guess that's pretty much about it.

Nights world!

Eve of Valentine's...Love

2008-02-13T16:58:00.005+08:00

Tomorrow is Valentine's day and I will either be at home or at school studying for the upcoming exams. I really miss my boyfriend so much. His battery is flat and I really wonder if he will call me at 12am tonight. Yes, I know that there is nothing great about Valentine's Day and that everyday should be a Valentine's Day. But hey, just like Mother's Day and Father's Day signify the love of our parents that we take for granted, its the same for Valentine's Day too. A day set aside to realise how much we have went through together and perhaps, set aside some time from the busy schedule. Hence, Valentine's Day on its own holds a special meaning of its own for individual couples. If my memory serves me well, I think Sir Valentine died on this day to unite two lovers hence this day came up. Yep so, I really hope that Deva would call me or atleast send a message.

Right now with so much of problems going on, I really want to be in his arms. For the past several months ever since I went on with him, I have pretty much kept to myself. So much so that when he isn't here, I feel so lonely and pathetic. He doesn't really like it when I'm close to guys except for certain trusted ones like Kabelan, Rajen and etc cause of some incidents in the past when I was with him. With so much of problems going on I really didn't know what to do so I spoke to my Dad about it and he told me to seek the help of a counsellor else I will go mad! I'm still thinking if I should make an appointment. I can't help looking at my Dad with an envious eye. I mean look at him, he is in his fifties, divorced and enjoys life to the maximum. He clubs, drinks and smokes. On the other hand, my mother is like a robot with no entertainment in life except for the TV and maybe occasional outings with her friends.

I feel so bad for making her cry yesterday. We were fighting over something really minor like buying a certain type of shorts that I dislike. She has never ever cried no matter what happened. Even with all the court cases, she still stood strong. But yesterday she started sobbing away. It makes me realise how much I mean to her and how much my words affect her. I am the only person that she has got. Dont count in my relatives cause every single one of them is CONDEMNED, I swear. Even my Dad was telling that my mother only has got me and no one else. He told me not to worry about him cause he has never failed to enjoy his life regardless of whether if he is in or out of jail. One thing I truly appreciate about my Dad is that he has been to jail countless times and many thought that he would never come up in life. Even his own sibilings. But now, he is self-employed and earns up to a few thousands a month. I'm truly proud of my Dad. Maybe, it was true that he never commited himself to the family and always wanted to have fun with his friends but the 7 years seperation from me has no doubt taught him a lesson and I'm glad.

I really hope that everything will turn out for the better soon. I really miss being happy. I miss having my friends around me. I miss my mum's innocent laughters. I miss my dad's sardine sambal and crab curry. I miss my cousins though none of them ever had one second to spare for me. Since young, I have always been alone. Sibilings wise, I have none. Cousins wise, none bothered about me due to the problems between my Dad and Mum. Hence, I always played with myself and indulged in reading. When I grew older, I started making alot of friends. My mother wasn't really happy about this cause she was afraid that I might turn out like my Dad. True, I have my Dad's temper and his character but chances of me ending up like him are slim. I'm glad that she realised this soon after. So then as my circle of friends grew, so did the problems caused by them. Then came the boyfriends whom I thought I loved. One of them, abusive even. Finally I have settled down with Deva and now that he is in army, I feel lonely again. I feel like I'm back to square one. My social life is ZERO.

I dont know whether you realise this but Deva, I am hopelessly in love with you even though I have asked you for a break countless times. Both you and I know that I didn't mean it. I dont know about you but every time I ask for a break up or even everytime when we fight, I feel this stabbing pain in my heart. You have created such a impact in life that I find it dificult to let you go. You have become an essential part of my life. Life will never be the same if you were to leave. I have grown used to the lifestyle with you in it. If you were to leave, my life will be incomplete. Like a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece. You complete me.

I LOVE YOU DEVA. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY. I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO BE PART OF THE FAMILY.

ALSO A HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO MY PARENTS. I LOVE YOU AND NEVER MEANT HURT YOU AT ANY POINT OF TIME.

LASTLY TO EVERYONE OUT THERE, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Back again!

2008-01-31T15:04:00.000+08:00

So after quite some time I'm back. My blogspot address has changed but I'm to lazy to change the banner/main image cause I have no time on my hands right although I seem like the opposite. Today went pretty alright. Mainly revision lectures for the exams. Got my hands on CLEO yesterday after lusting over it for two weeks( cause I'm like super broke now). Saw this really nice dress and top at a reasonable price. I shall get it when I got the money rolling in next month! I got SEVENTEEN today. I know, its like so HIGH SCHOOL. But listen, I got it cause I want to know 'labangs' for getting mid-branded items at a reasonable price cause I am like super duper broke. And anyways, not like CLEO and SEVENTEEN are much different anyway. The stars interviewed are the same, the make up trend is the same and its similiar in many ways. I just detest TEENAGE and TEENS and other 'cheena' magazines. No offence.

So anyway, Valentine's Day is coming soon but I have no plans as for now. My relationship is sucking balls right now. Oh well, exams are around the corner might as well save that the for extra revision. Yep, sounds like a plan!

I'm feeling so many things at a time right now. Was I in the wrong or was he in the wrong or was it us? One part of me just wants to give up but the other part of me doesn't want to. I get lonelier by the day. It's a feeling I really hate. I'm just occupying msyelf with stuff so that I dont get to think about it. I'm lost and I'm unsure of which direction to take. Is it really time to let go? I don't really know. I need someone whom I can lean on. SIGH!

Good day everyone!

New year resolutions

2007-12-30T18:23:00.000+08:00

Okay with the new year aroudn the corner, it would be just time to come out with new year resolutions. Personally, I have never believed in having any new year resolutions but I thought it might be fun and useful to have some.

New Year Resolutions 2008:

1) Control my temper.
2) Instead of throwing words, try to talk it out.
3) Try to attend every single lesson unless cause of check-ups.
4) GPA of atleast 3.
5) Submit all reports on time.
6) Revise once back home.
7) Dependent on no one.

Hahaha, quite a number eh? Lets hope I would be able to keep up with all of them!

Happy New Year everyone!

I'm crushed.

2007-12-29T11:41:00.000+08:00

Said that I would edit the pictures but I'm not in the mood for it. Everything's gone once again. I'm so done with tears.

Flashback! (edited-taken out the large photos of myself)

2007-12-28T03:10:00.000+08:00

Hello lovelies! Its 3.13 right now and I can't seem to fall asleep. Hence, in an effort to ease my boredom I went through the pictures captured by my previous phone. That's right, my beloved K618i which I wouldnt mind having it back again for its superb camera quality! I had the phone throughout my semester 1 so the pics were mostly(i think) from semester 1.

After going through the pictures and after much thought, I have decided to have my shoulder-length rebonded hair back again. I think its pretty! Besides, i really miss the feeling of tying my hair! :(

I want to study in INDIA! Mum's up for it and wouldnt mind staying over there with me. I wouldn't want to be alone there either! Not to worry, I'll still have my fun. If the boyfriend agrees to study there too then it'll be fun but i doubt that he would. ActuallyI wanted to study in this college called 'Good Shepard International College' in Ooty but the fees were just too high and I decided to drop the idea. S$50,000-60,000 per semester? Crazy balls man! So if I'm blessed with luck, I might do medicine in India, in the future! Then again, I'm so fickle. Quite a number of occupations interests me. So let me make up my mind first. =D

The much missed boyfriend will be staying over at my place tom. We will be going to temple together with my mum on Saturday morning! After all the stubborn quarrels, I really can't wait set my eyes on him tomorrow! Oh wait! That's TODAY! Since it's ready past 12! :D

Was looking through at the boyfriend's pictures and there are especially two pictures of him that can get me melting!

I LOVE YOU DEVA KUMAR!!

Okay so now I shall upload some of the photos that I was going through. Some of the photos may have been present in my other posts too since I'm just compiling them.

During lecture.

After work at Halia Restaurant.

My ex- supervisor and myself.

The Renu-s!

Aights then, thats about it. Shall continue the rest tom!. Goodnight world!

Gone with the wind.

2007-12-25T19:07:00.000+08:00

All the love, the promises to one another, the dreams, all GONE. Yes, I have been crying non-stop. Still got more, but I can't cry now because mother's around. I dont want her to know that I'm sad with the break up. Let her think that I'm alright with it. Don't want to make her feel sad too. It was me who got involved int his relationship, so its only fair that I get hurt and not hurt others. There is so much that I want to say but I'm so hurt myself that I think tears will just gush out if I typed it out. Well, what can say.

ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END.

Well said, Nelly!

I just hope that I will be able to pull through it all. I doubt that we will be back together though I really hope we will. I'm living in DENIAL. Nothing good ever happens in my life. I wait all day and night just hoping that he would send atleast one message. But no like I said, nothing good ever happens to me. I just need to pull through this whole thing. My hearts's got this stabbing pain whenever I get reminded about it.

I'll still say,
I LOVE YOU.

So done with love and relationships.

2007-12-24T18:11:00.000+08:00

I'm at this stage where I just can't control my tears. I'm just lost for words. There is no one whom I can confide into.The last time I cried till like this was when I was with an abusive boyfriend. The sad thing is that there is nothing much I can do. Really, NOTHING. And that's what makes it hurt even more.

Well, I guess I deserve all this. When love was just at my doorway begging for another chance, I just walked away. Now I am an unlucky fool in love. I hate all of this. The pain, the tears, the suffering in silence. How am I suppose to live with this kind of person.

1) Constantly keeps using vulgarities at me
2) Screaming and shouting at me
3) Never bothers to call back
4) Doesn't hear to what I got to say
5) Doesn't even care less

Just what should I do now. I'm so clueless. I don't even know what to do. I just wish I had the guts like how I had back then with Kalai. The guts to just don't bother about the world and just commit suicide. But that will just leave me guilty cause I'm the only child to my mum and she gave all she had to bring me up as a single parent. DAMN it! I'm just cursed in every way. Every night has been nothing but tears and fights.

Just how much can I take it. My mum doesn't believe me. She thinks that he is saint. Says that I will never be able to find another guy better than him. On the other hand, I love him so much. Back then during the first few months into the relationship, it was all so lovely and beautiful. I was not possessive or dependent on him. And then one fine day he asks me to be possessive just so that he wouldn't feel secured. He also wanted me to be dependent on me. My BIGGEST mistake. Now it has just let me to be such a loser who is always dependent on him.

I didn't ask for this did I? Why am I always given the gift of being sad. I rather you take my soul, Lord. For it is really far too much for me to take. All I'm asking is just for someone to love me like his very own and never let me go no matter what. I know I had many chances and I misused it all last time. But I have learnt my mistake and I'm very sorry. Then why am I still blessed with such rotten luck. Is there no hope for me at all. Am I deemed with such luck forever?

If it is because I never did went to church, I'm sorry. I'm just not ready yet. I want to be sure of myself and want to make church a weekly affair and not a once in a while affair. If this is the reason. Please forgive me. All I'm asking is for another chance. Why do You always give me some happiness and then in the end just let me suffer for all You care.

I really can't take this anymore. I know I'm a strong girl despite being sensitive, but really how MUCH can I take? PLEASE

I just pray a miracle happens soon.

I like you just the way you are?

2007-12-08T13:18:00.000+08:00

Okay so I'm updating after what seemed like gazillion years. Due to some inquisitive individuals, I had to change my blog add for some time. Hopefully, whatever the problem is, it has been sort out. AFTER ALL, ITS MY BLOG, MY RULES! YOU PLAY BY THEM!

I don't see why some people really love poking into my affairs? Is there really something interesting happening in my life that is not taking place in yours? Then WHY? Piss off please!
Period.

The past few weeks haven't been going right. Whatever I think, say or do is always wrong. Simply because I'm hot-tempered and because I am, whatever I do is/should be wrong. Maybe that's how those events have made me felt. I'm not implying that its your fault. I will never blame you.

Despite having my friends around me, I feel so alone. Nothing seems like it was before. Everything seems to be changed. Or is it just me who has lagged behind? So many thoughts keep running in my mind. Questions rather than answers. I'm sick and tired. No, not of you.

I'm just tired of everything. I thought, I just thought, maybe you would be different. Probably not. You too find fault with everything.

I'll change okay. I promise. I'm really making an effort in here. I will try to control my temper. But can I just remind you that this can't go forever? Cause what if I do break out in temper one day, what happens? You break out too? And then what? Hurt each other with vulgarities and piercing words? Think please. If I can do this much, can't you just a little more?

I'm writing my thoughts here cause these are things I can't tell you cause you never listen. You will just start jumping and accusing yourself, like it was my fault to open up with you. If it is then who do I open up with?

So please don't question me. I wrote what I felt. My blog, please?

Living in a world filled with strangers

2007-11-25T18:52:00.000+08:00

I don't even know whom I can confide to and be myself with anymore. Everyone seems to be diffferent. Its not about what we think anymore. Its about what others think. Its about what the world would think. No one really cares. They are all too occupied with pleasing themselves. I hate this. I need alcohol and nicotine back in my system. As much as I don't want to touch them on the other hand. I want to get outa this hell hole!

Picturesss!

2007-11-24T16:07:00.000+08:00

Life is so unpredictable

2007-11-24T15:45:00.000+08:00

I don't really know where to start or begin but I have got lots to say. Okay maybe like you said yes. I NEED to GROW UP. I NEED to stop acting like a fool. I NEED to STOP DEPENDING on you. I should have known it all when you were so insistent on me being dependent on you. How exactly am I suppose to grow up when you want me to be dependent on you? When you say that, you actually imply that you will be responsible for everything that I do, say or act. And because of that whenever something erupts between us, I am all helpless and LOST. I don't know what to do and I come running back to you. Maybe that's why you are so complacent and you are never bothered to fix things up. Well, thanks for letting me know at least now. I will grow up dear. I will live life the way I want it to be. The way how I think it should be. Because at the end of the day, nothing lasts forever let alone your words? Hah!

Life's being a bitch. I lost my creative zen player. My education's screwed up. My relationship is screwed up. My computer/laptop's screwed up. My life's screwed up. I am screwed up.

LOL.

During times like this, I used to think I would only need you but now I guess I just need some encouragement and assuarance from my mother. I just got to learn to live like you won't exist tom. Else, I'll suffer. Is that okay with you?

I want to go back to church. I want to be strong in spritual aspects. I need you Lord. I know that when you bring me to it, you will bring me through it. I will NEVER place anyone else above you Lord. I'm sorry. Somebody just whack my ass and drag me to church please. OH please!

LEARN Renu!

ps. I'm afraid its not referring to whom you think its being referred to. So just piss off.

Deepavalli open house

2007-11-21T20:43:00.000+08:00

Okay so the open house has passed and what can I say? It was a BLAST! Except for the terrible cold I developed after that. The first people to arrive were Jodeline, Hami and Samantha and thereafter guests started pouring in! Which is a good thing, of course.

And there was this point of time when Faruq was taking pictures of Norisha and myself and all of a suden, I hear the "Happy Birthday Song" being sung. It was a sweet suprise! What was even sweeter was the fact that my mother actually made an effort to get the exact cake that pointed out to her last Monday. THANKS MOM!

It was so good to see Deva helping out my mother with the bevarages and etc. In other words, you could say that he has already became part of the family! I LOVE YOU MY ONE AND ONLY!

Thanks alot guys for turning up and a big THANKS for the prezzies! Love them all!

ps. thanks deva for the pendent and now I have got something to remind me of you, something that will be with me wherever I am! :)

I'll upload the pictures later on cause I'm just too lazy to upload them now. :D

Pictures that I left out in the previous post.

2007-11-08T22:16:00.001+08:00

Deva and myself after Jalan Raya at Norisha's.
Ladies and gentleman, presenting to you our nation's future POTENTIAL SCIENTISTS!
This, was a picture taken by norisha. A 400x microscopic view of cells replicating.

Deepavalli...?

2007-11-08T01:26:00.001+08:00

Firstly, HAPPY DEEPAVALLI TO ALL! Wouldn't be much of a celebration for me tom until the 17th. So shall wait till then!

Secondly, found out some stuff that were really hurting. ( I WOULD SUGGEST THAT YOU DON'T LET YOUR CURIOUSITY GET THE BETTER OF YOU AND SQUINT YOUR EYES SO BADLY JUST TO MAKE OUT WHAT I HAVE TYPED. IF YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, I WOULD HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU. THANKS!)
Stuff like, I wasn't even wanted by my father in the first place, how he wanted my mother to abort me, how he wanted to destroy me if I chose my mother over him. So much so that now I doubt whether if he is really sincere. Was I really a fool to think that all the while I was really my dad's little princess? To think that he adores me the most. To think that I'm his life. First was that and now this.
It hurts. It really does. I hate it. Its okay. I'm a strong girl. I have went through it all, this is really nothing.

Thirdly, it really sucks when you have really no one to spend the eve of Deepavalli with. It also sucks when people say they miss you and want to see you terribly but they have never made an effort to know how you were all these years.

Well, its still Deepavalli afterall. Have a blessed Deepavalli people!

On the eve of Deepavalli..

2007-11-07T03:28:00.000+08:00

I am idling my time away. Well, maybe not. I was looking through my pictures and I decided to put up some pictures of yours truly, her friends and her hot boyfriend. So here they are.

The following few are pictures of my hot boyfriend when he had his long hair. Yummy! The somewhat circled one is him.

Like so hot right?!
Deva and his itchy fingers.

I love my boyfriend!
An mms to the boyfriend.
During the wait to make the grand entry into his house.

No, it wasn't planned at all. Since it wasn't we decided to cam-whore. Its okay if it didn't make sense.

There are some pictures that I left out, will put it up in my next post. Since its already after midnight, its just another sunrise to Deepavalli. And then its a about a week to my birthday and then a weekplus to the 17th!

Aight, I'm off!

Screwed up.

2007-10-29T13:57:00.001+08:00

The title says it all. I need my boyfriend.

Oh god, please help me. Take away my complacency, laziness and whatever that brings me down.

Pictures!! :D

2007-10-18T03:41:00.000+08:00

So these are the pictures taken on the first day of the second semester. I look shit-fied but wth still felt AWESOME!

ps. I was tempted to bend and take pictures cause they were all shorter than me! hahaha, sorry guys!

My sexy love!

2007-10-18T03:34:00.000+08:00

So this is it. I'm finally meeting his mother on Saturday! I'm feeling excited and nervous at the same time. Excited cause I would be part of his family soon and nervous cause I'm worried if she would like me. Though Deva assures that she would LOVE me. Well, I really hope so!

I'm sorry that it happened. I just hope that I would never have to do that again. I never imagined myself to say that. I'm really sorry. Forgive me sweetheart.

I LOVE YOU DEVA KUMAR!!

Lifeless F*ckers!

2007-10-17T00:22:00.001+08:00

Just as I blog finish about one lifeless fella who irrittates me on the phone, I get another call from another lifeless ass. This time on my house phone. So this is how it went,

Me: Hello.
The ASS: Enna panureh? (what are you doing?)
Me: Who the f*ck are you?
The ASS: Thoonga poriya? (do you want to sleep?)
Me: I asked, who the FUCK are you?
The ASS: Chandiran
Me: Okay I don't know who the FUCKING FUCK you are but you better stop calling me else you are gona regret it. ( I was clearly pissed off by now and I slam down the phone)

AND GUESS WHAT?

Just as I was typing this post, I get 2 blank calls!

MOTHERFUCKERS!!

Irritants!

2007-10-16T23:55:00.000+08:00

Okay so I was having my dinner and I get this call from a withheld number. He identifies himself as DEVARAJEN from SP. Says he got my number from some fella called SELVAN and asks me if I'm busy and if I could spare some time talking him. Like wth!

So, I told him off by saying that I was not interested and I already have my PRINCE CHARMING and hence, he can just f*ck off!

IRRITANTS!

On a lighter note, I really miss Deva badly. We didn't speak much today cause he called while I was having my nap which laster for 5 hours! Well wait, I can explain. Since my biological clock has ready gone crazy cause of the oh so late sleeping hours during the holidays, I find it difficult to sleep early for sch now. I had like 3 hours sleep yesterday and 2.5 hours sleep on the previous night before yesterday. Besides, I had a bugging headache from the time I came back home. Hence, explains the long nap!

So well really, the point is that I miss Deva a lot. Since he badly wants to do a degree in the local universities, he is planning to take up another diploma but this time from NYP and that's where I'm studying! :D Helped him find out some stuff today which I thought might be useful for him but I didn't get to talk to him today. :(

I guess I shall just save it all for tom! I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART!

I'm elated with happiness (LOL) seeing my poly mates after a break of 1.5 months. However, I still miss KENSAN! Can't wait for him to return from CHINA!

Before I end this post,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHANSCHER SWEETS!

Poly Reopens..

2007-10-15T02:34:00.000+08:00

TOM!! Yeah babay, I will be back to school tomorrow. Starts at 10 am which means I will have to be up by 8 and leave the house by latest 9.10. Which ALSO means a full stop to late nights. Promised myself that I would put my heart and soul in whatever that I doduring this semester. No more over-nights with Deva. :( Super saddening la. I'm like so used to to spending the weekend nights with him lah.

I want to get a bag from AMK hub tom cause I'm lazy to travel to town just to get a bag. I'm like on a super tight budget due to the over-spending during holidays. Hence, I'm planning to get a cheap bag. My budget is between $20-$30. I guess I might not be getting the NIKE bag. So yeah, what the hell. Its JUST a bag.

So I'm off to bed now to get some beauty sleep before I head off to sch tom! Excited!

Reminiscences

2007-10-11T14:30:00.000+08:00

I just thought maybe I should blog it out since I'm unable to get over you. Yes, still. Happy, no? Well, what can I say. I have tried over this long period of time to get over you. Yes, I did try. Not my fault if I still can't right? Maybe it is teaching me a lesson. Maybe it's a lesson that will keep my current relationship going strong forever.

Maybe.

Maybe not. I go all weak on my knees when I see even till to date. Why? Sadly, I have never been able to answer this question. Maybe, it was those sweet nothings that you said. Maybe it was littlest things that you did. Maybe it was the way you stood up for me.

Maybe not.

Maybe it's because we were different. We dared to be different. Maybe it's because I like the way you did things only because you thought it was right and not because others thought so. Maybe it's because you never let your ego got in between us. Maybe its because you were always optimistic. Or mybe it's the way you had always define it, "its unexplainable but undeniable."

I can't.

I have to let it go. I have to let it all go. Its painfuland it hurts. I only can move on but I can never forget for I have never regretted any of it. Those were sweet memories. Though you are distant now, you were always close to me. Thats because you were always right there in my heart.

I must..

let it all go. Cause when you left me, I was never truly happy. I never found true love. But now I have, and now that I have I must let go of the past and stop stubbornly clinging on to it.

Some things that he does or in fact some times the way he is, reminds me of you. But he was not, is not and never will be you.

I do hate just one thing that you did and have not been able to forgive you for that. That was to leave the way you did. Now that you have left for a long time now, its time I move on.

Goodbye R_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.

I'm moving on.

And people, don't bother guessing. Oh wait, I'm sorry. Please do, cause it kind of excites me when you keep guessing the wrong answers.

Whats wrong?

2007-10-11T14:06:00.001+08:00

Whats the matter? The image above makes you want to puke? See, this is what I don't get.What is so wrong with homosexuals? Or in particular, lesbians? Whats wrong in indulging in something that you feel is right. What is wrong in standing up for what you want? Isn't life about living for yourself?

Not that I'm a lesbian or anything, which even if I was I wouldn't be embarrassed also. In fact, if not for Deva I would have probably became one. What more can you ask for than a person who can understand you the most (perhaps, not best), who would not only indulge in sexual activities (given the limitations of certain sexual organs) and who would perhaps stand up for you and love you dearly (perhaps since she is going through the same shit as you). So, its not wrong if one actually finds it in the same gender.

Leave it, I'm just a bit annoyed with how narrow people can get.

Just live your life can?

Pissed off.

2007-10-10T23:52:00.000+08:00

I need my life. Yea okay, we both agreed that we would only depend on each other. We wouldn't do anything that doesn't please the either of us. But when I need you, you are just not there. I admit, I have quite a number of guy friends but I have quit talking to most of them. You hang up the phone in a rush, sleep without even sending a message to tell me that you are turning in. Then you leave me there dangling in the air wondering if its the reception problem or is something else wrong? I hate it la. I need my life. All day I do stuff trying to while time away in hope that I can talk to you in the night. And when the night comes, this is what you do. Okay, I am NOT blaming it all on you. You ARE tired. But hey, maybe you should let me do what I should do. Stop comparing it to yourself cause I repeat, OUR SITUATIONS ARE NOT THE SAME.

No, I don't hate you even one inch. I love you all the more. You are still my one and only.

Wide awake!

2007-10-10T05:44:00.000+08:00

Its 5.50 now and I'm supposed to be sleeping but I can't seem to. By right, my boyfriend should be up now. Tried calling him but he didnt answer. Busy preparing for the day's activities I think. Well, I'm just praying that he gets his MC! I want to sleep but I can't sleep. I'm going to be so dead when poly reopens man. Shoot me!

Just a random thought.
I have only claimed of myself to be a christian but in actual fact I have not been leading a life of a true christian. Its been a year and little more since I seeked salvation or in other words, accepted Jesus into my life. Life has been a bliss since then. Though my mother would prefer that I do not convert, she still allows me to visit the church as and when I like. So, its just me who is simply putting forward my laziness and refusing to go to church. And then I sit down there expecting God to help me out when I refuse to even acknowledge him.

Just to clarify, I do not have a christian name cause I have not converted/baptised. I have only seeked salvation which is the first stage. About converting, well there is still a long way to go.

Its either I put in the effort or I don't.

why am I so lazy?

I am going to church with Deva either this Sat or Sun!

Amen.

No more..

2007-10-10T04:19:00.001+08:00

OVERNIGHTING! Yes as unbelievable as it sounds to the people close to me, it is true. Mum said that last Saturday was the final overnight till further notice from her. So yeah, kind of difficult to get used to fact. Once poly reopens, I'm planning to work part-time. Yes, AGAIN. So, I got to sacrifice my weekends which means I wouldn't get to spend much time with my army boy. Darn the army! They steal my boyfriend for a week and return him back to me all lethargic and pitiful looking. I'm going to try to beg with mum tom and see if I can get to overnight tom for the final time since Deva might be granted medical leave. Lets hope that my mum would allow.

I was watching the movie, 'the pursuit of happyness' today (outdated, i know). I was really moved by the movie. Will Smith and his son Jaden Smith did an amazing job in this movie! For the benefit of those who have not watched the movie yet, this movie is the true story of person named Chris Gardener. The movie shows how he managed to become a wall street legend after being hit by several blows in life. However, the one thing that deeply touched me was the love for his son. How he refused to allow his girlfriend (the boy's mother) to leave with his son and how he tried his best to make his son happy.

Okay in reply to my dear Chanscher's sweet pesterings, I will upload some of the videos taken in genting. The pictures would probably be up tom cause there are quite a number and I'm simple too lazy to upload.

VIDEO 1

http://profile.imeem.com/dvPzsrJ/video/di2Z_4iP/renuka_cyber_shot_extreme_video/

(I'm sorry people, I can't seem to copy and paste the embed link into my post.)

This is a video of the cyber shot ride in genting's outdoor theme park. Scary balls, I tell you! I nearly peed in my skinny's when the ride was over! The bloody thing goes up to few storeys high and then shoots down at an ultra high speed without a warning! The embarrassing thing was that a young Caucasian boy sitting next to me was like exclaiming, 'Mum, that was fun!I want to do it again!'

VIDEO 2

http://profile.imeem.com/dvPzsrJ/video/d04Zq6DU/renuka_some_by_the_one_and_only_dance_video/

No presents for guessing the person in the video. :P

I can actually still type my post while waiting for the video above to load. This blogger takes eons to load! I have another rather interesting video to load. But if this blogger thing is going to take so long, I'm not sure if I will upload it. I can't even publish my post till the video's uploaded. DAMN!

And so while waiting for the video to upload, I shall go random..

I am planning to have an open house for the coming Deepavalli. But, I am not very sure how many of my Indian friends would be turning up as they would be celebrating the festival themselves. So, I might be having it on the Saturday after Deepavalli. Then again, I might not even have one. Well, lets see.

WOW, now the damn blogger says that it is unable to upload my video. I'm trying Imeem and if it still doesn't work there then FORGET IT!

Okay, I am able to upload the videos but I got to wait 15 minutes for the email verification which would include the links to the videos. Atleast, thats SOMETHING!

Mine.

2007-10-09T02:27:00.000+08:00

You are still my one and only.

2007-10-05T01:49:00.000+08:00

Yep finally, got a new modem and managed to come online. Will be uploading the genting pictures pretty soon. The lunch with Deva and mum went pretty smooth. Will be meeting up with Rajen and Gowri on the sat before poly reopens. Can't wait!

My one and only!

2007-09-29T00:52:00.000+08:00

Yes! In a matter of hours I would be in the arms of my one and only. One and only, which makes me come to realise how I have misused the words 'I love you'. How I used to think that I was hopelessly in love when it just turned out to be puppy love/crush/infatuation. That I have never meant any of those I love you-s except for now.

I am not ashamed to mention that in the past even though I was in a relationship, my mind was never really there. I had merely said those words just to please the opposite sex I was with and to make them feel better. I was never convinced that any of those past relationships were true love. Almost all my ex boyfriends were either too possessive or they didn't bother at all. Except for one who gave in way too much.

I am complicated, difficult to please and my mood changes with the weather. I admit I'm not one whom a guy would die for to be with. Yet, I have had guys going to the extremes just to have me back again in their lives. This eventually made me take love for granted, until after a lesson well learnt by someone.

And now something in my heart tells me that this is it, he is the one for me. Else why would a friend of 5 years whom I LEAST expected to be with is whom I call my one and only now? Whatever the reasons maybe, they are irrelevant. What matters is that I love his company, he is able to tolerate my nonsense to a limit, he makes and effort to make sure he is there for me though its difficult for him to and most importantly accept me for who I am.

I remember when I used to tell my previous boyfriends about some issues of myself in the past, the reaction was predicted; raised eyebrows
They tried to mould me to their liking which puts me off.

Deva has been the only one who has really accepted me for who I was and who I am right now. Thanks a lot sweetheart.

I love you and marry me soon!

A new addition to the family!

2007-09-27T03:14:00.000+08:00

Okay so today was the day I finally let my mother know about my relationship with Deva. Her reaction was not like how I had anticipated it to be or rather, it was surprising! She really adores him! Especially when she came to know that he doesn't drink or smoke or club (anymore). Besides she was deeply touched with the fact that he address me as his fiancee. Shows how sincere he is in the relationship it seems. Well, in God's grace everything has gone well on my side. Now I just hope the same for his side. So my mum now insists that I should invite Deva along with Rajen, Gowri and my friends for Deepavalli. Well well, see how it all goes.

Its Thursday(since it is past 12 mn) and I can't wait for Deva to book out on Saturday. The excitement will start building in from Friday itself. I intend to overnight(for the gazillionth time) with him and then bring him to church on Sunday morning. Sounds fine doesn't it?

I'm so in love with my army boyyyyy!! I can't fall asleep and mum is asking me to go dream about Deva and not disturb her cause she needs her beauty sleep.

I'm in ecstasy baby!

Loss for words

2007-09-25T16:55:00.000+08:00

Disgusting.disgusting.disgusting. DISGUSTED!

You were simply more digusting than I thought you were.

I hate you!

On hold

2007-09-24T15:54:00.000+08:00

Rahhhh! My memory card is with Deva and I won't get it back until 2 weeks (I think) later. Hence, I can't post my genting pictures. :(

So this was all kept from me? Guess, I'm not alone afterall. Well, not exactly since I have got my half-blood sibilings. Secrets..tsk tsk! Not anymore. Hah!

Frustrations.

2007-09-22T15:29:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling a lot of stuff lately. It sucks big time. I just want to vent out all my frustrations in here but I just don't know from where to begin. Pfft!

I just want to be alone.

Genting Trip confrimed!

2007-09-14T12:12:00.000+08:00

YEAYNESS! I FINALLY GOT MY TICKETS FOR THE GENTING TRIP. THE EXCITING THING IS THAT I WILL BE SPENDING 5D and 4N WITH HIM. HOW MUCH BETTER CAN THIS GET! YEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAA!

Picture heavy post 2.

2007-09-05T02:11:00.000+08:00

My viet-dian baby sister.

Camwhoring after the wedding! The suit's my fave!

I love this shot us.
Kinda obvious we ain't really kissing right? Reason being he snapped just after we pulled away.
Outside the cinema.
I love you!
The Last Legion.

My yummy army boy!
Cute, dontcha think?
Okay, you are right. I admit, I can't get enough of him. Hah!
The only time he decided to be his normal self. =P
An ugly random shot took by him. Rah!

1st try.
2nd try.
3rd try.
Voila! Finally decision made!

Camwhoring after being inspired by my orange and pink braces. =P

Boy, you are all I need in this world of sin.

2007-09-05T01:29:00.000+08:00

Okay today was a fu*ked up day. Like totally. Dont wish to elaborate on it but seriously it really feels depressing and freaky to know that sometimes you can't even count on both your parents. I thought maybe they would have changed over the years and maybe those years of my life spent all lonely and boring would have a meaning to it. Unfortunately for me, NO. They have not changed a single bit and yes their EGOs still matter.
Shit man.

If not for Deva, I really wouldnt know how to pull through after this incident. I was feeling so lost when I realised that in terms of relatives there is really no one who would really bother about me at all. The only one who did, died a few years back and till now I have been surviving ALONE and I mean it. Sometimes, I feel proud of myself for making it this far cause ever since the divorce, the thought of leaving the house house one day or this world for that matter never stopped crossing my mind.

Thank you so much Deva, really. If not for you, I would have still been crying non-stop and venting the anger on myself. I can't wait to be with you this weekend and during the 5D4N genting highlands trip!
I love you.

So well I caught 'Hairspray' on thursday right after the exams with Norisha. The movie I must say was, AWESOME! If you have enjoyed high school musical and have a thing for those 'retro' movies, this movie's sure a treat for you! The both of us enjoyed it and am planning to buy the soundtracks! I'm in love with the songs! I really admire Nikki Blonsky's dancing skills and her confidence despite her physical appearence. John Travolta did an amazing job as Nikki's mother. Amanda Bynes was not given much of a role, but she was cute with the lollipop in her mouth like 24/7. Zac Effron is a special mention cause he was simply ORGASMIC baby!! The moment he kissed Nikki, both of us were screaming like some dumb blondes! Lol. Oh yes, I must mention I bought a dress from metro and Norisha had her eye on this particular dress. However, she was adamant on not getting it unless Faruq finds it nice on her and so in the end she didnt get it but got another one from Sheer Romance. Girl, we shall double date soon in dresses! Total feminity! Hah.

The next day, meet Deva under my block before we went to Bugis to catch a movie. I wore dress the dress that I bought the previous day and Deva wore a matching black and white striped shirt!He looked so yummy in it man! So anyways, we decided to catch 'The last legion' and trust me, that was total wrong choice. The movie was so draggy and boring! We left like 30 minutes into the show and took a cab to Deva's and spent the night there.

The next day, had breakfast at Macs and then made our way to Pasir Ris park and caught up on alot of stuff. Then, I took a cab back home and got ready for a wedding in the evening. Followed my mother to 'Sri Senmpaga Vineyagar' temple. The wedding was carried out in Naidu style and was unique indeed! I smsed Deva about it and he was saying we should have our wedding carried out like that since I'm a naidu. Haha. Then after the wedding, accompanied my mother back home and then took a cab to Deva's and spent the night there again.

The next day, I left his house around 2 pm and took a cab back home got ready and left for my baby cousin sister's 2nd birthday. Man, has she grown, both vertically and horizontally! Lol.

On monday went to Toni&Guy for a hair trim with Norisha. Then had lunch cum dinner in the food junction at Bugis. The food junction really looks like some high class restaurant man, seriously! So after that got back home at 7 just in time to catch my favourite chinese drama, 'Falling In Love.'

I'm looking for a job right now to keep up with my expenses. I realised my allowance is not enough to keep up with my lifestyle so I need a part-time job! Rahhhh!

I'm off then.

Incorrigible!

2007-08-29T20:45:00.000+08:00

Once again I'm doing things last minute. Just found all my notes in hard copies and got Renugah to send me the soft copies. Then I realised I had to print week 6 and 7's notes and I head down to the computer shop to buy my printer ink. I did not realise that I should not peel off the sticker before inserting the catriadge (is that how you spell it?) and phew there goes my 17 bucks down the drain with no week 7 and 8 notes printed which means I have got to do my notes MANUALLY! Well, serves me right for being so incorrigible and doing stuff last minute.

Deva's battery died and he hasn't message me since the morning yet and I'm missing him so badly. Rahhhhh! I can't wait for the Cameron outing with him! 5 days 4 NIGHTS! Told my mother I will eb going with my friends and she seems pretty cool about it(or maybe she is just happy that the house would be kept clean. lol!).

So, I'd better get back to studying. Which reminds that tomorrow is my last paper. MICROBIOLOGY A. I failed this freaking module can so I must/have/need to pass in order not to repeat this module! After the paper I badly need to get a top so I shall go hunting for a nice one!

DEVAAA! BRING ME OUT!

Random!

2007-08-27T00:54:00.001+08:00

Its been long since I posted a tamil song on my blog but I'm addicted to this son AGAIN!!

Ale, ale
Ale, ale
ale, ale, ale, ale , ale, ale, aleeeeeeeeeee!

Can't wait for the exams to end!

2007-08-27T00:05:00.000+08:00

he looks sleepy here.
i look retarded here.
Voila! perfect!

Alright, four papers done and two more to go! Maths paper was a disaster! It was so bloody, extremely, miserably and terribly difficult. So different from the common test! Tuesday's inorganic chemistry, God knows whats in store for me for that paper! The last two papers are also the ones I failed for in my common test so I have got to put in extra effort! Sigh, somebody shoot me please!

So the weekend with Deva was awesome, yet again! Though I didnt meet up with him on Thursday, we met up on Friday and overnight-ed together till the next day when he had to leave for his camp. Had a small misunderstanding on Friday night and I was supposed to go to Gaya's house but in then end I ended up taking a cab to his house. Later on, we walked down to block 351 to meet chanscher! Hahaha, thinking that I was at the correct block I shouted out her name so many times till Deva told me we were at the wrong block. So embarrasing!

After that, we took a cab to Tampanies mall. Bought the tickets for 'Ratatouille' via the AXS station and then had dinner at pastamania on Deva's insistence! I totally enjoyed the movie 'Ratatouille'! Its really awesome. A must watch for everyone out there! Even I wouldn't mind catching it a second time! *hints at Deva =P* Deva was sleeping through the first part of the movie though. Not cause it was boring but cause he was too tired from the training and stuff. He regretted sleeping in the end when the movie ended! =D

Maybe you wana check out the trailer which might just convince you to watch it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3sBBRxDAqk

'Anyone Can Cook!' - Ratatouille

So back to the post, spent the night at Deva's house and then took a cab and left for my house the next day and slept through the lazy afternoon. =)

I just hope the bmt thingy would end soon so that we could spend quality time together. Lately, there have been alot of misunderstandings and really wish to talk things out and clear them all. Breaking up is not option though I always seem to mention it but thats cause I always say things in a fit of anger and I really DO NOT mean it. I'm sorry for hurting you.

I love you.

Can't wait for the hols to come, and you promised me genting orbetter yet the chalets at cameron highland? Can't wait!!

I want to work during the holidays and I need retail therapy right after my exams!

Okay enough rants, I'm outa here!

Exam madness.

2007-08-22T16:46:00.001+08:00

Took this picture after coming back from temple about two weeks back, on my mother's insistence. She found it cute that the cat was waiting to prey on a lizard that was above.

Kavita and myself!

Hello! I'm so freaking glad that physical chem is like over and done with! I just hope that I pass this module or for that matter all the modules and I won't have to repeat any of them! Please Lord, HELP ME GET THROUGH this semester! *prays hard* So well, the only thing good about the exams is the maths exam because that is probably the only one that I understand and score the best. But I doubt I'll do well with an 'A' again cause this time there's GRAPHS! I suck at graphs like BIG time. Been practising and will still continue to practise later on till I feel like I need sleep then I'll talk to my army boy and then call it a night.

Okay enough about the exams, the slumber night with my army boy last week went pretty fine. Well, before I met up with him something really coincidental happened and I'm glad that it did. On my way to Bugis, I bumped into my cousin Kavita like after 13 years?!! I recongnise her from photos and went up to her. She was so suprised that I was looking so different. Firstly, I'm so different than how I was 13 years ago, when I was like 4?? Secondly, the short hair. Hahaha. But I'm so glad that I bumped into her! I'm yet to meet the other cousins (her sibs).

Okay so, after that met my boyfriend and then on our way to his house he was like teaching me physical chem and I felt so stupid. Cause when I study it I dont get it and he looks at it for the first time in his life and he can actually explain it to me in simple terms what it actually is about. So I realised on that day that he's smart. Spent the night at Deva's and the follwing day at mine. Had lotsa fun but didnt take any pictures.:( I wore Deva's adidas sleeveless and boxers and man they are so comfy! I'm not planning to return!P

So on saturday night I started freaking about my physical chem and Deva decided to teach me the next day. Again I must emphasize that he is good and since I hava a bad memory he made it easier for me to remember by realting them to 'making out' theories and so on. Won't elaborate much on it. One example was that alpha particles are lousy in sex so it doesnt penetrate much so use a thinner condom which is aluminium foil, paper and skin. So yeah, theres so much more I was showing some to Norisha.

I'm excited yet again causeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I'm going to overnight at Deva's again tom. And there will be no one in his house so its going to be FUN! Can't wait!

Meanwhile, I shall just go and practise my maths!

Yet another slumber night with my army boy!

2007-08-17T00:21:00.001+08:00

Heloooooooo!Lady luck was on my side today I guess and I really hope she stays! After the overnighting with Deva last week I high doubted that my mom would let overnight again this week since my exams are commencing on Tuesday. But guess what? My DARLING mummy AGREED! I told her I was going to study (yes, no playing this time!) with my friends and then catch a movie or something after that. And she just said okay and that I have my dinner at home before I leave.

So the plan is that I meet up with Deva and study with him cause I really really need to do some serious studying. So he decided that i should teach him that particular module that I'm studying for and in that process I would understand the topic better. So we shall see how it goes. Plans are to study at Changi airport till we decided its enough and then spend the rest of the night at Deva's house.

The next day, Mum's got work so Deva will coming to my place and then planning to sleep for a while and then study and here comes the fun part! We are going to cook up something for LUNCH or maybe DINNER! I can't wait!

I'll post the pictures up soon! YEAY!! I can't wait for it to be Friday night!!

Pictures only

2007-08-14T13:29:00.001+08:00

He insisted that I upload this pic even though I feel I dont look good in this pic. Tsk tsk, GUYS!

Taken by deva
Taken by me.
Blurred but nice and Deva looks so fierce!
Picture perfect. =))
Okay here we go, Take 1.
Take 2.
Take 3.

There are like some more pictures of himself that I have not upload. Too lazy to.How i wish his hair would grow soon and he would be hotTER!

So I'm off to study now!

My army boy!

2007-08-13T22:09:00.000+08:00

It was a memorable 5 days before my army boy left for his camp. On the first day stuff got cocked up so we didnt meet but chatted later in the night we chatted till we both felt sleepy. The next day he came over to my place and we spent time togther and the same for the 3rd day but this time we called Gaya to join us since we missed her terribly! So together they decided that I should treat them at Pizzahut so we went to the nearest one at Kovan. While we were eating Gaya and myself had this small misunderstanding and the Deva was trying to handle it was just so cute!

Later that evening, Gaya suggested that I should wear a long skirt for a change and that it made me look sweet. I doubted it first but then again no harm trying. So Gaya went back home and Deva and I made our way to Plaza Singapura and booked two ticketsfor Rush Hour 3 at 11.30 pm. After that I insisted that we should walk down to Little India and eat dinner since we had about 2.5 hours left. And so we walked to Ananda Bhavan to have our dinner. Initially the fella said that nets was accepted and after we made our orders and everything he gave us a shock by saying nets was not accepted. Rah! In the end we both had to use our ez-link cards to pay for the meals. So UNGLAM la! Then half way thorugh eating this tall cute indian guy( whom I'm assuming is a police in training since he was wearing the police t-shirt) entered with his girlfriend (i think) and his father or propective father-in-law(I'm assuming again). I have go this thing for tall, dark skinned indian guys with a nice body. So yeah I stole glances at him and I kept telling Deva how cute he was. And before I left, he looked at me and smiled! Hahahahahahaha. No, I'm not being a bitch but hey I'm like only 16+ and attraction's common and fine as long as I dont do anything behind my boyfriend's back. Not like I hid it from him anyway.

So after dinner, we walked back to Plaza Sing and started cam-whoring before the show started. Man, someone should come with a word for guys who enjoys taking pictures of himself cause my boyfriend is such a cam-gigglo(my way of calling a male cam-whore)! I'll be posting the pictures later.After Rush hour 3 we caught The Simpson's movie and then later we took a cab to my boyfriends place and I spent the night there.

The next day, woke up late and rushed to Kovan to get Norisha's gift and met up with Julius before taking a cab to Amk mrt station. Took a mrt down to admiralty and then met Norbert and Dayana and went for Norisha's birthday party. Deva couldn't make it so promised Norisha a double date after the exams(can't wait!). Met Deva in the night for a while. He was not doing really well cause he had an ankle injury. I was really worried about how he was going to make his way home but well my army boy's strong and he managed to! :D

On the last day, met him below my block and we walked to Kovan got choclates and drinks and spent the time at the park nearby. Talked lotsa rubbish cause both of were somehow lethargic. Then later at 5.30, I left for home so that I could get ready and go to temple and so that he wouldn't be late for his book in.

Last Sunday (5th August) was our first month anniversary and I got him a gift set from Bodyshop and he loved it! :D And I loved the bouquet from him and I even collected the dried rose petals to make pot pourri!

So I got to go now and call my army boy!
Will be posting the pictures in my next 'picture only' entry.

Nights!

State of ecstasy.

2007-08-01T23:55:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling so excited right now cause its exactly 12 am now (right now) and it would just a matter of 18-20 hours before Deva returns back from his field camp. I really missed him so much man! Finally the 6 days has come to an end. Feeling so relieved! Hopefully, he gets to book out on Friday morning and then I can meet up with him in the evening. CAN'T WAIT!

Rahhh! I'm like so totally screwed man. I have got like two projects due on Friday and I'm like only half way through them and I have also got my elective (French) exam on Friday. I can't afford to flunk it cause I do not wish to repeat my elective. French is so complicated la. Just to give you an example. In english, we say 88 as eighty-eight. In tamil, its iyambathi-yathu which also means 88. But in French its like, forty multiplied by two and then added on with eight. And then there are things like masculine and feminine words which u must in a way memorise so you would know what article to use infront of the word. Believe it anot, even countries can be masculine or feminine. Singapore is none btw because its a city state not a country. One thing about the french language is that its very precise. So basically my point is I'm screwed for French and I hope God helps me.

So, I'm off to do my micro A report now.

Missing you

2007-07-29T02:06:00.000+08:00

I just can't seem to fall asleep. I'm missing you so terribly that I'm feeling so restless right now.

I love reading the letter you gave me.
I love looking at the picture we took just before you left to serve the nation.
I love reading those sweet sms-es you sent me.
I love thinking about the first night we spent together at palawan beach.
I love those memories of us that my mind is unfolding.

- The first time I met you at causeway point, outside Bodyshop. The first movie we caught, POTC3. I can still remember how you never failed to explain to me what was going on in the movie since I didnt catch the first two of POTC. We had our dinner at the food junction outside the cinema before you sent me back on bus 72. Shared pretty much alot of stuff with you on that day and got to know alot more about you as well.

- Met you again, just before you left to serve the nation.Waited for an hour. Made a wrong decision to go to punggol beach in the sweltering sun. Went to Hougang mall's mac's instead. Had our meals, took pics and chatted.

- The third meeting was at the bus stop near ur place on the third sunday after you left. Waited for you for 1.5 hour before we had our lunch and chatted and then you went back home again to get changed into your army uniform. Waited for another 1 hour before we left for Pasir Ris interchange. Still remember how we rushed to Popular just get your earpiece. We met your bunkmate on the way and you introduced me to them as your girlfriend for the fun of it. Hahaha.
It was this day that we exchanged hugs for the first time before you left. =)

- Met up at Plaza Singapura with Gayathiri. Went to various jewel shops to look for the best pendent for your mum. While Gaya went meet Roshan, we had our lunch at Yoshinoya. You forced me to have my lunch there. Indeed the food was nice. Later on "bumped" into Roshan outside Plaza Singapura. Then all of us walked down to Bugis to catch the movie ' Transformers'. The second movie that we were going to catch together. Had some time before the movie started to we at Ice kachang and you fed me. =)
During the movie, we held hands for the first time and I was lying on your shoulder.And after the movie, you sent me back home.

- The next meeting was on friday night. Where we decided to spend the night at palawan beach. Met up at tampines interchange where we took 65 to harbour front and then a cab to Siloso beach where we further walked down to the 7-11. Grabbed all the things we needed and then headed to Palawan beach. The most memorable night indeed. So many thoughts exchanged. Feelings exposed. Love explored.

- Met up again the following night at Yishun to catch Sivaji. A day that didnt satisfy the both of us since we didnt get to spend much time together.

- On monday, you booked out for a few hours and we decided to meet up at your place. I cancelled my appointment with Renugah just to meet you. Spent time together to make up for the previous night.

- The final meeting before you won't book for the next two weeks. Met up at Tampines interchange right after you booked out. Went to your house where I entered through the window. hahahaha. Later on had our lunch at Macs and then later in the night took a cab down to Hougang to meet up with Gaya before you sent me off at the interchange.

And now I can't wait to meet you on saturday!

All our memories are etched in my mind and I will never ever forget them. I love you! I miss you like never before. Come back soon!

2007-07-28T16:57:00.000+08:00

Norisha.Me. Julius.

A pretty sweet picture, I'd say.

A picture that I forgot to upload earlier, so yea. =)

The NEW look

2007-07-28T16:08:00.000+08:00

Hello world. Back again with a NEW hairstyle. I had a hair cut on tuesday. Norisha accompanied me to AMK HUB where I had my hair cut in hair inn. Its a pretty good place and I tell you, they are super good! The price is reasonable as well. So if anyone plans to have a haircut, I'll recommend this place. It on the basement 2 of AMK HUB, right beside the NTUC. The hairstylist was Selene. She was so uber good that even while I was paying for the wax and my hair cut she was actually still styling my hair. She was so proud of her job that was well done. (thank god!)

So anyways, have had alot of comments about my hair since its like a major part of my hair length has been reduced. Most loved it, so do I!( some actually said that I resemble cat woman. NO WAIT, just the hairstyle okay!) Its funky and easier to manage compared to last time. But there's one thing bad about it though. I have to wake up everyday praying that I have a good hair day so that my would make me look like a dim wit even after styling. :D

I'll be posting the pictures below!m Have fun laughing, crying, cursing, envying, whatever. =)

Okay so Deva has left for his 6 days field camp and I'm beginning to miss him so much. Its going to be miserable the following 5 days. Okay, maybe tomorrow isn't going to be so bad. I'll be studying with shashina at Woodland's library. Going to make a good use of time there. *EXAMS!*
Then I just got somehow survive till Thursday morning. Cause he will be back on Thursday evening so the excitement will start building up from morning itself! Hahahaha. FASTER COME BACK! RENU MISSES U!

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So I'm going to have a nap now and see if I can't make it for church later on.

PICTURES! :D

Norisha and myself.

Dayana and myself before Inorganic tutorial.

Norishan and myself right after my haircut.

Okay so went to Sakun's house on thursday. Saw her two sisters, elder and younger. Both looked gorgeous! hahahaha. No, I'm straight! Okay anyways, Jini really changed alot. The last I saw her was like what...back when I was primary 6??!

So these are the pictures from thurday..

Jini and myself.

Poor Sakun. RAHHH!

Picture heavy post.

2007-07-18T21:33:00.000+08:00

I love this two shots of him so yeah decided to upload them in here. =P FASTER come back, Deva!! I'm missing you like hell! Love ya. =)
sinful delights..hmmm
Norbert looks so cute in the pic!Just a random pic.

Us in esplanade after my interview.
They should consider redesigning bowling shoes.
Gowri and Rajen. Love them both!

Haha while Julius was napping Dayana and myself were working on his hair.
I find this candid shot of him rather stylo.
Dayana's signature pose.
Tsz man acting cute. Kidding!
I love this shot of Julius!!

Randome pic again. Renugah and myself!
Think I'm thin? Think again!
Take 1.
Take 2. Blurred but nice!

Non-stop fun weekend.

2007-07-18T20:37:00.000+08:00

Okay its been long since I blogged. I have got lots to say and I don't know where to start from. Okay I'll start from after French lesson on friday. French ended early and so Fi, Audrey and myself decided to head to Macs to slack for a while before InMOLB lecture starts. While slacking, I was too tempted to order the Mc spicy meal and so I did just that! :D
After the lecture ended, I took 72 Renugah and went home. Called Deva, fixed the place and timing (sounds wrong!).

Later in the night around 9 pm met Deva at Tampines interchange and from there we took the bus 65 to Habour Front. Omg, it was like meeting him after one week ( yes, thats alot for me!)! And so during the 'oh so long' bus ride we were freaking catching up on alot of stuff. It was so fun and I couldnt stop laughing at some of the NS stories Deva was telling me. But I still hate the fact that he has to serve for another 1 yr and 11 months! :(

So anyway, we got down at Harbour Front, took a cab down to Siloso. It was at this point that we decided to grab some quick bites. So we walked all the way to the 7-11 at Palawan beach. The minute I entered the 7-11, I just went around picking all the stuff I wanted even Deva was like giving me the "you gona eat so much?" face. So anywho, bought them all and settled down under a comfy pondo(is that what u call it or is it called pavillion?). The rest of the night was just beautiful! Beyond imagination! But I'm not going to elaborate on it. Cause I have ready told all those whom I should have told. =)

The next day, we packed our stuff and headed to Gaya's house for breakfast. Ordered the Mac Donald's breakfast and bitched together with Gaya about some people while poor Deva just listened to our bitching. And then later on I fell asleep on Gaya's lap but only God knows how I ended up on Deva lap when I woke up! And guess what they did while I was sleeping?? They freaking drew on my face! RAHHHHHH!!!! Chased Deva round the house cause he was the idiot who came up with this stupid idea to entertain themselves while I was sleeping!

Sunday was a freaking freaking freaking busy day, I had calls coming in from like 5 pm when I was sleeping but I was too sleepy to answer them and when I took a look at my phone when I woke up I was shocked to see 35 missed calls and 14 messages??!! I knew I was in trouble cause I was already suepr late for the appointment with Rajen and Gowri!! They were already there waiting for me and here I was just woken up from my nap! So I took my dinner and shower and took a cab with Gaya to Yishun. Okay on this day, I was actually supposed to spend time with Rajen and Gowri and then after that watch midnight movie with Gaya, Roshan and Deva. But in the end, stuff got all mixed up. But hey, I'm not complaing. Just that stuff got complicated here and there. Rajen, Gowri and myself went to Orchid Bowl to playing bowling , of course. Later on, Prakash and Raj joined us.It was my first time bowling and initially I was hesitant to bowl cause I was afraid that the ball would not come out and would be stuck to my fingers!! Hahahaha, but when I did bowl, in the end I managed hit some pins, cant remember how many thoug. I even striked once okay!! Hahahaha. So yeah, had lotsa fun with them! And then headed to a coffeeshop in Yishun for supper and it was during this time that I introduced Deva to Rajen and Gowri. All went well except for certain stuff which I'm not going to mention. But seriously, the night would have been better if he (not deva) had not drank get drunk. And thanks Deva for keeping him in control.

Later around 12.45 am, went to watch Sivaji. I sat with Rajen and gang since they bought for me the tickets earlier. During the movie, Rajen, Gowri and Prakash fell asleep and Raj and myself were the sole survivors throughout the movie!

Then later for the 4 am show, I join Deva, Roshan and Gaya. But this time, I had to sit beside Roshan cause of some stuff. So throughout the whole day I didnt get to spend time with Deva at all. :(

And about what happened, I really was unaware that he knew about it. besides, I didnt really had the heart to tell him off. I'm sorry if it hurt ya. The next time round, I promise I will. Sorry okay? Love ya =)

So, I was missing Deva so badly on Monday and guess what?! He could book out for 4 hours to collect some stuff from home for Racial Harmony Day and of course we decided to meet up. Went to his place and I really loved it! Such a nice and cosy house!

Then later in the night, he sent me off in my cab before he took another to the ferry terminal. While in the cab the cab driver was abit nosey and so I decided to have some fun. So this was how the conversation went.

Driver: Is that your boy friend?
Me: Boyfriend? No la. He's my husband.
Driver:AH! Serious ah? How old are you?
Me: Oh, I'm 24 years old.
Driver: Working?
Me: Yeah, childcare teacher (haha, my mother's profession came in handy during this point of time)
Driver: I see. Then now going back ah?
Me: No la. Going to my mother-in-law's place for dinner and then fetch my daughter back.
Driver: Got children ah? How many?
Me: 1 daughter. 2 years old (controlled my laughter at this point of time)
Driver: Then she never miss her father ah?
Me: She does la but what to do.
Driver: Then your husband got spend time with her anot during weekends?
Me: Yeah, got got.
Driver: Good lah hor? She will feel abit happy also lah
Me: Yep *nods head*
( there were short intervals between the conversation)

And then my destination came and I got down. Ahhahaha. Its was so fun la. Maybe I should do this more often!

Okay, I'm feeling so lazy to type some more so I'll end it here!
Nights. Will upload random photos in my next entry.

Off!!

Fun-ness!

2007-07-04T00:17:00.000+08:00

Okay below are some random pictures..

Not a good time to call me when I'm cam-whoring!

I love that pretty clip!

Okay so we had 3 hour break before Micro A and the 6 of us(Julius Wong & Kensan, Tm, Dayana, Norisha and myself) decided to head to Cafe Cartel at Bishan for lunch. As for me, I had my sausage spaghettini with cream base. It was darn nice but I couldnt finish so Tm helped me with a few mouths. Hahaha. And while waiting for our dessert, we started chatting about porn and stuff. Tm was so shocked and disgusted with the fact that all of us watched porn before and still do now and then for the fun of it. It was so funny with Tm around la. She is like the goody kind and can;t use vulgar words around with her, can't talk dirty and can't be mean to otherby disturbing them. And so just to irritate her we will purposely do the above mentioned. HAHAHA! Not to mention how we were laughing at ourselves imitating Norbert! God, I'm so gona miss these people three years down the road man!

After that, we headed to X craft cause Julius and myself wanted to pierce our ear since our 'holes' have closed. And after that it was camwhore session. We managed to stop 3 sec school students take 3 group shots of us from 3 different cameras. So feast your eyes on the pictures below of the hideous me and the other hideous-er looking ones!

KIDDING!

In cafe cartel.
We always think alike. Sisters!
The 6 of us. Love them all!
After the main course.
TM's idea of an artistic shot.

I'm off!

I Miss You :(

2007-07-03T02:38:00.000+08:00

Its been only one day since he left for Tekong again and I'm already missing him so bloody much. I'm just praying that the days would pass by faster and he would return back soon! Met him on Sunday and I waited for him for a total of 2.5 hours! RAHH! Well, its okay cause he apologised for it and I had no heart to be angry with him when I saw him!

Haha. We spent some time together before he had to leave for Pasir Ris, to catch the coach( along with a gazillion others) to Tekong.

I miss him :(

Why do you have to return,
only to leave again
Why do you have to call,
only to hang up the next moment

I hate NS! I really do. But it's okay cause I can see a Deva witha really hot body in the making! ;)

Come back soon Deva!

I went for shopping today with Julius Kensan!! Okay well, not really shopping but rather he accompanied me to get a bag and pair of sandals! In total I spent 85 bucks today which means I have spent 212 bucks in 2 freaking weeks la!! OMG! Someone help me please! I need some tips on financial planning! :(

So I got my brazilian sandals (or atleast thats what I call them) and my le coq sportif sling bag(kensan's selection)

So I'm off to call Deva now :D

Off!

ps. Kensan, I think you should SERIOUSLY consider shifting!

Pictures

2007-06-24T23:17:00.000+08:00

click to enlarge for better view

Joyce - a pure bliss to spend a day with her.
Norisha and myself at AMK Hub.
AMK NLB
Julius Kensan and myself.
After studying and before heading home.

Can't stop smiling..

2007-06-24T23:14:00.000+08:00

I was feeling so worried for my common test. I was feeling so down cause of some issues. I was feeling so lonely cause my two good friends left for NS.

But not anymore.

Not after he called me.

Cause since then I can't stop smiling to myself!

tralalalalalalalalalala...

Screwed!

2007-06-23T14:46:00.001+08:00

RAH!! My common test is on monday and I'm so screwed!! I'm still yet to do my reports. Still left with revision for inorganic and physical chemistry and micro A!! ARGH!!!!

LORD SAVE ME!!

Happy times

2007-06-15T23:03:00.001+08:00

Joyce and myself.

Me. Joyce. TM

These are two pictures from TM's phone. I'm still lazy to upload mine. Anyways, I should say I was very much satisfied and contented in helping Joyce during MIND's visit to NYP. I really would like to do volunteer work but I dont have time, really. I have school during weekdays and work during weekends so its really not just excuses. I donate money whenever I can. Maybe in the future I hope to do more than just donating money.

And below are some of the pictures that Deva and I took today. We met up today just before he left for his work tomorrow. He was very worried about me uploading these pics as it might ruin his reputation as a model. Trust me he is hot, you can check him out at my friendster by the nick of Saadya. But you will have to add him first cause his profile is restricted. So anyways, I will so miss him ALOT :(

I know it sounds dumb but exactly 2190 days from now (6 years) Deva and I have decided to settle down in Switzerland. A neutral country with a peaceful life free from most natural disasters. See, both of us are not interested in commitment and marriage. But hell, we can never refrain ourselves from going on dates. So we decided that it would be cool if we could stay together in a different country. Another reason for this decision is also because Singapore is NOT the place for the our ideal careers. Hence, SWITZERLAND! We would be staying in the same house , different rooms and its going to be so cool! Like we could take turns to do the laundry, dishes, cooking, "blanjah-ing" and etc. Also we could go on double dates, shopping, movies, and etc together!I would need like alot of money and seriously, I have started saving up from now. I am trying my best to reduce on shopping and save more of my salary and Dad's monthly allowance for me. Haha, so this is Deva's idea, all those dear ones, if could help me donate some cash please do! :)

I promise you a free air line ticket (once I'm all settled down with a stable job) if you ever wish to visit Switzerland. I'll take care of your lodging and transport as well. You can take my word for it or else print out this entry and prsent it to me in the future . :))

2190 more days!

Deva and myself at punggol beach.(I'm in love with darken-ed pictured nowdays)
In macs.
I'll miss him :(

ps. This decision has got nothing to do with the movie 'salaam namaste'